나이트 앤 대이.

"But im so lonely! I want to be with someone! I know im doing terrible things to you, making demands and not giving you anything in return, saying whatever pops into my head, but youre the only one i can do stuff like that to! I have never been able to have my own way with anybody, not once in twenty years ive been alive. Youre the only one i can say these things too." -Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood

Indeed. I truly wasted someone like that, desperated like that. Having no one to talk about your real feelings is not good. Making you want to throw up everytime you have something in your mind. 

People will hate you for reason. I cant understand why. Lately ive been thinking that feeling bad and angry about someone wouldnt make you feel relieved. World is big. And you cant expect all of people inside the earth would accept the way you really are. Thats life and thats final. 

Secret. Everyone has a secret that they really couldnt tell people about it. And lately, ive been feeling sick of being a liar, not really a liar but im lying about how i really feels. No one knows inside me, no one knows that behind my smile, theres so many pain pile up as high as mountain. It looks like that im always happy and have outgoing personality, joke a lot, and a bright person. But no, honestly im not. 

February. One of the worst month every year. Dont know why i have many traumatic incident right in this month. And i..... Ah. People that i cherish a lot born in this month. That could be a boomerang for me. It hurts me that i cant do anything about it. How i miss someone to that extent... Until i dreamt about that person everyday, and i always (coincidentally) checks the time and the numbers turns out to be that person's birthday. It happens everyday, lately.

Lately, im into Haruki Murakami's books. And his quotes. Its amazing. Its like he can read my mind throughoutly. One of his quotes that makes my gain my spirit again: "Life's a scary thing. More than you can ever imagine." It taughts me that life cant be as perfect like what you want. Life is scary, ups and downs, you didnt know what things could happen in the next 10 seconds. Even 1 seconds. God knows it and He controls it. We just have to pray and open up our hearts to god. Murakami once said: "It must be hard for you, but there is a right time for everything. When it is time to wait, you must wait". We have to wait. For the right things.

In the future, people will judge us. Anything we do could be wrong. We just have to be strong, and achieved what we want. Being lonely isnt always wrong. Theres a time that we have to face all of the things alone, thats why we have to be strong. Being mature. A mature person. 

Even if im feeling lonely, i am actually strong. I can control my feelings and my emotion. I just hope that people i love wouldnt leave me, hate me, and forgot me... And i want to be accepted the way i really am. Loving the real me. Accepting all my background eventho its not good at all. 

I just wanna say that im okay. Im sad, but im okay. Its better like this. I hope i can handle it all... I wish. Bismillah. Being optimistic about everything. The future is right up there, and we just have to catch it. 

I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning.

Bloody Valentine

Morning. 

Kemarin adalah tanggal 14 Februari 2014, and we know its Valentine's Day. I actually never celebrated that day (maybe because i had no one to celebrate it?). But yesterday, was a gloomy day for me. Actually since January, im not who i am. There's something going on but i just cant wrote it here. Mungkin 2013 juga dimulai dengan gak begitu baik, well now here it is. 2014 lebih buruk. Im tired of my fake smile everyday, nyatanya gue pulang kerumah cuma buat meratapi hidup dan nangis. Sekolah berat banget, ngejar cita2 dll bikin gue depresi, but i know gue  harus berusaha sebisa mungkin, semaksimal mungkin. Gue ga paham kenapa gue feel so painful this morning. I actually have no one yang bisa mau nanggepin semua kesampahan gue, giliran nemu, he's fake and i know it. He's not really he is. Dia bukan dia. Tapi saking sepi dan sedih gue, i need someone who can cheer me up. And he does, he can. I know our chats all this time had no meaning and we treated each other as a friend, really. Gue gapernah berharap lebih karena jujur aja gue gatau siapa dia. He's someone whom i met online via social media. Kasarnya, dia cuma simsimi. Gue nanya, dia jawab, gue ngomong, dia nanggepin. Itu aja. Tapi omongan kita klop. Sejalan. Sama. Nyambung. I cant help it but admiting kalo i like someone yang nyambung sama gue, siapapun dia, dimanapun dia.

But last night that Simsimi decided to not contact me anymore. Im shocked. I just felt so lefted out. Apa yang gue lakuin sampe gue harus diginiin terus. Gue tau gue bukan siapa2 and heck gue gaada perfect2nya. Gue menerima alasan dia, dan gue harus ngakuin kalo i loved to chat with him. Kalo engga i will regretted it later.

Ya gue sih gapapa ya.... Because that Simsimi is a fake person yang entah cewe/cowo aslinya tinggal dimana sekolah dimana... Tapi gue seneng chat sama dia. At least bisa nemenin dan ngehibur gue... Gue tau ini kedengeran forever alone and lonely banget. But honestly aja sih, gue lonely. Sangat. Gue sangat butuh support dari siapapun yang ada di dunia ini. And that Simsimi makes me smile.

I never thought that my life would be like this. Tau gak sih rasanya bangun dari tidur terus lo bingung, belum konek lah istilahnya. Nah rasa kaya gitu gue rasain tiap hari. "Who i am" jadi pertanyaan gue setiap hari. Apa hidup gue harus gini2 amat? Mungkin nilai gue di sekolah bagus, gue gapernah berantem dan berurusan sama orang lain, gue punya sahabat yang accept who i am, but why gue ngerasa sepi...? Seakan2 gaada yg bisa ngobatin sakit hati gue... I dont know. Its not all about lovey dovey things.... Its about everything. Gue hanya pengen pergi dari negara ini dan memulai semua dari awal, kasi gue kesempatan buat lebih happy.

Gue jujur aja, capek dibebanin. Gue pengen kaya cewe2 lain yang seneng2 tiap hari, jalan dan makan cantik sama temen2nya, shopping seenak jidat, pulang ke rumah ketemu ortu yang gak recet dan yang selalu ada. Gue gapernah ngerasain itu semua....lagi. 

Gue cuma punya satu harapan.

When i woke up, i would be in someone elses body.

But i know i cant.

"It was as if I were writing letters to hold together the pieces of my crumbling life." - Haruki Murakami