Hari Baru.

selamat malam,
seperti biasa gue selalu online di malam hari, karena hanya waktu malam otak gue jernih buat cerita.
cerita numpuk.

sekarang gue udah lulus sma, selesai semuanya. harapan gue sudah gue dapatkan, gue udah mendapatkan jurusan yang gue mau yaitu HI-UI. melalui jalur snmptn undangan. gue udah banggain ortu, keluarga, dan sekolah. hari wisuda, gue melek, nyadarin diri, bahwa 12 tahun wajib belajar gue udah selesai. seneng rasanya, tapi sedih juga. kayak ga nyangka aja ternyata gue udah menuju kedewasaan, bener2 bukan anak kecil lagi. setahun selama menjadi kelas 3, gue mabok bimbel, belajar tiap hari, setengah mati, sampe tengah malem begadang tiap hari buat belajar.

alhasil, januari gue dirawat di RS karena tipes, karena kecapekan. kenyang diomelin, gak belajar dari pengalaman, 2 hari sebelum UN gue kena DB+tipes parah. saat un, gue udh gbs buka mata, gakkuat ngerjain, tp krn tanggung jawab, gue maksain ttp un. ini semua karena seminggu sebelum un gue belajar kaya orang gila tiap hari di bimbel dari pagi sampe malem, ngejb kelas lain, ngejar2 guru, mengemis latihan soal, daaan makan gak teratur. matilah. waktu pulang un hari pertama, gue udah gakkuat, demam tinggi, dikuat2in istirahat dirumah. pulang un hari kedua, parah, udah gakbisa buka mata. akhirnya gue dilarikan ke ugd dan disitu di infus penurun panas, vitamin biar gue besoknya masih kuat un lagi. dokternya udah heran ngeliat gue semangat banget un padahal udah hancur lebur trombosit 44.000. hari terakhir un, tepatnya pelajaran ekonomi dan bahasa inggris, terburuk. gue gabisa mikir, ngantuk, sakit kepala, mata perih, dan waktu bahasa inggris gue tidur. untung dapet nilai 90... waktu ekonomi gue udah mau nangis. gabisa mikir. akhirnya gue berdoa dan ngerjain sebisanya aja dan gue yakin cuma setengah doang, sisanya pasrah. bener kan, hasilnya nilai ekonomi 64 aja. karena gue bisa, tp gue gak sanggup karena gue sakit. sampe rumah, gue diinfus lagi karena dokternya kerumah karenaa gue gakmau dirawat lagi di rs, gak nyaman banget. besoknya nyokap udah kasian bgt kali ya sama gue yang cuma bisa pasrah doang diinfus berkantong2, akhirnya gue dirawat di rs lagi. padahal hari itu temen2 gue berangkat ke anyer buat liburan setelah un. gue sebenernya sedih bgt gaikut karena kebodohan gue bisa sampe sakit. gue nyesel bgt. gue cuma berakhir dirawat 3 hari sendirian kaya orang bodoh gaada temen gue yg jenguk krn gue gamau bilang ke temen2 gue kalo gue dirawat lagi. keliatan banget kalo gue super bodoh.

setelah keluar dari rs.... gue depresi. parah. yaiyalah siapa coba yg gak stres... un sakit, ngerjainnya asal2an. kira2 aja. gue sedepresi itu, rambut rontok, kurusan, muntah2, gabisa have fun, gelap terus, negative thinking, gak tidur. Sekitar 2 minggu gue kaya mayat idup, kerjaannya cm main laptop nonton drama, ngansos tiap hari. Nyokap gak khawatir alias biasa aja krn palingan ngiranya gue gaada apa2. Akhirnya gue berusaha optimis meskipun tiap malem rasanya nyesel gabisa maksimal dalam apapun hal yang gue lakuin...

Pengumuman hasil UN. Rasanya kaya mau mati. Gue udh yakin bgt gue ga lulus, nilai jelek, bahkan gue udh siapin bgt mau bunuh diri terjun dari atap rumah kalo sampe ga lulus. Intinya, mental gue udh geser. Udah gakuat. Waktu tau pengumuman udh bocor di website, gue merinding. Pelan2 buka... Dan gapercaya sama hasilnya. Gue. Lulus. 100% lulus. Gue antara mau nangis sama lompat2 bahagia. Proud of myself. Lalu gue kepo buat nyari nilai gue berapa karena memang nilainya belum keluar. Akhirnya gue bbm wali kelas gue buat minta nilainya lalu dibales. Bener kan.... Gue kecewa sama nilai ekonomi gue. Tp gue bersyukur bisa lulus. Allah maha tahu. Sekitar beberapa hari kemudian, pengumuman SNMPTN, gue buka lebih cepet website nya karena temen2 gue bilang bisa dibuka, wkt pd akhirnya gue buka, ada tulisan ini 

Wakakakaka, gue gak perlu pasrah, gue malah ngakak. Gue langsung ngomong "halah bener kan gak keterima, yeay fix hi-unpar di bandung". Wkt itu gue lagi bareng tante dan kakak gue. Dan yang seharusnya pengumuman jam 12, gue buka jam 12 kurang 10. Abis itu gue guling2 aja, nyapa temen2 "hey gue ga keterima wakaka" and somehow kayaaa bener2 yakin gue ga keterima. Trs tante gue kaya "yakin kamu ga keterima..masa sih.. Palingan website nya error..." Berhubung doi feeling nya kuat, akhirnya sekitar jam setengah 1 gue buka lagi.. Dan hasilnya.....

Gue nangis. Histeris. Nangis sampe bener2 senangis2nya nangis. It was like "really???" Jatohnya ke arah shock. Bahagia banget bisa banggain nyokap. Campur aduk. Because my mom was in bandung, so i called her while im still freakingly crying. "Mam ad keterima mam... Ad keterima hi-ui mam...." Nyokap gue langsung nangis juga. "Alhamdulilah dek... Alhamdulilah sayang... Mama mau banget meluk kamu sekarang ayo kamu ke bandung peluk mama sini alhamdulilah masya Allah rezeki dan berkah ya Allah mama gak kuat". Then in the end mama nangis2 juga lalu nutup telponnya. Gue bener2.... Gimana ya. Tau gak sih rasa "haha yaudah bodo amet keterima apa engga" tapi you know deep down "ya Allah masa saya ga keterima sih..." Gue bersyukur banget. Gue gabisa apa2 tanpa dukungan guru, nyokap, temen2, dan Allah. Sejujurnya gue ga sepinter itu waktu sma, gue anak biasa aja, cuma ya mungkin effort gue mengejar cita2 lebih tinggi dari yang lain. Ambisius lah ya. Proud of myself, bangga. Pintu menuju masa depan yang sangat baik terbuka selebar2nya. Gue langsung sujud syukur, merem, berdoa bersyukur. "Ya Allah kalo memang ini jalanku, maka berkahilah ya Allah."

Wisuda tanggal 3 Juni. Deg2an sekaligus bahagia, saat gue maju ke depan, nama gue disebut, serta kata2 "diterima di Universitas Indonesia jurusan Hubungan Internasional jalur SNMPTN undangan" langsung disorakin temen2, nyokap yang duduk ngeliat gue sambil motoin gue. Ya Allah, gaada hari yang lebih membanggakan dari hari itu. Semua rasa bahagia karena prestasi dan sedih karena berpisah, campur aduk. 

Last, bener2 last, promnight. Karena gue agak2 trauma sama prom, i expect nothing. Harusnya ada pasangan yang ngajak, hahaha gue gaada. And im okay. Sedih sih... Tapi yaudah... Cowo angkatan gue jg cm 60, cewenya 200. Berharap apa? Then gue enjoy aja malem itu sampe acaranya bener2 selesai, waktu dikasi surat yang harus diisi tulisannya "10 years from now", gue galau. It means dalam 10 tahun... Akan banyak perubahan. Gue akan dewasa, bekerja, menikah. Gue adalah tipe cewe yang selalu melihat ke depan terlalu jauh. Gue takut menghadapi masa depan, tapi gue yakin sama masa depan gue. Ini adalah cara gue memantapkan diri sebagai wanita dewasa yang bertanggung jawab. Gue bukan anak sma yang tukang cabut dan tidur2 gajelas lagi. Senyum dan kebahagiaan teman2 gue malam itu akan selalu gue inget, orang yang gue care, orang yang selalu ada buat gue, akan selalu gue simpan baik2 dalam kotak kenangan yang gaakan pernah gue lupakan. Kita semua akan menjalani hidup kita masing2, gaakan ketemu lagi dengan seragam dan gaakan sekelas lagi. Tapi, gue yakin, 10 tahun lagi, kita akan ketemu, dengan pencapaian masing2, dan gue akan bangga dengan mereka semua. Im sure.

Perlahan gue tutup memori sma gue. Gue coba inget2 lagi satu persatu kejadian. Waktu utas susah2, waktu aud happy2, waktu agit susah2 tapi happy2. Priceless. Gak tergantikan. Gue akuin memang masa sma gue ga seindah itu, tapi gue bersyukur bisa dikasih kesempatan untuk menimba ilmu di sma yang ngetop di jakarta selatan.

Gue siap membuka lembaran baru, gue siap untuk menghadapi masa depan, terima kasih ya Allah telah memberikan aku 18 tahun yang penuh berkah :)

-almost- Two Decades

“All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3 AM conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight than talk. You have never worn a lover’s sweater or “forgotten” it at home in your bedroom just so you would have an excuse to see them again. You have never even stood face-to-face with someone who makes your hands shake so hard it feels like they’re both having a separate anxiety attack.

This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity. Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth?

The answer is no. The better answer is that someone out there, somewhere in the world, is “wondering what it’s like to meet someone like you,” and they have two decades worth of love stored in their veins like a shoot-‘em-up drug, and they’re just about ready to inject it into someone else’s bloodstream. All you have to do is roll up your sleeves and wait for it to happen.

At times you felt so lonely you could stand at the edge of a cliff with nothing beneath you but air and grass and a long, long way down, and you’d still feel emptier than that canyon itself. Maybe you even danced with yourself alone in your room a few times, arms outstretched around a ghost, pretending someone else’s hands were on your waist, someone else’s eyes boring into yours.

Or maybe you fell temporarily in love with strangers on public transportation, fell in love with anybody who so much as accidentally brushed your hand on the way past. For you, falling in love with dozens of people a day was a coping mechanism for not having anyone to love you in return. But people are not eggs and falling in love with a dozen of them does not mean your shell will remain uncracked. One day you’re going to hit the point where you’re so desperate for human contact that you’re going to snap in half and all your love will bleed out like egg yolk.

But someone out there is eating a bowl of Ramen noodles right now, or putting on slippers, or settling into bed. They are doing all the normal things that you’ve done in your own life. They are just like you. They have cellulite and extra fat in all the wrong places and goals and fears and doubts and bad handwriting.

The truth is that they are just like you, and being just like you, they’re looking for a lover too. They’re what you might call a soulmate.

They think they’re all alone in feeling the way they do, but you’re really both two halves of a whole.

And one day you’ll meet them, bump into them on the street, and your two halves will be put together, and you’ll make one.”

My friend saw this post on tumblr and she thought THIS IS SO ME then she sent it to me. Yes because i've been single for 18 years and i feel so.... Weird. I feel so insecure.

In my experience, love sucks. Loving someone? Sucks. Ewh. I spent 7 years liking the same guy who never even aware at my existence. At that time, i believe in true love, and i believe that guy WILL look at me. Guess what? Nope. Stupid me. So now i dont care about that guy anymore, i tried to find someone better, trying to meet someone new, finding love guru, but still.... It didnt work out :( not that i still like that guy, but i just cant find someone new, someone that i really cared about, someone that makes my heart beating so fast, i just cant :( and then i realized that im okay without a boyfriend. Really im okay. I love school, i love my friends, i love my family, and most of all i have a lot of people who love me the way i am. I like myself, i like my hobbies, really im okay. I actually met someone online, he's nice, i like him, but he's not real. I cant like him more further if he doesnt show up, if he doesnt show his true self. So i just wanna say im sorry if he do like me unconditionally... I think he didnt know that i know everything, but i hope he realized, that i cant accept someone via internet. 

I think i should open my eyes, be wise, and open my heart for the REAL person around me who loves me the way i am, im so sorry if i hurt any of you, because i am dense and blind. 

University life, im coming.