Jogjakarta + Bandung Trip! part 1

Selamat siang semuanya! Happy (late) New Year! Akhirnya udah tahun baru juga, 2015. Byebye 2014. Time flies. Ga nyangka aja udah tahun baru lagi. Artinya umur gue semakin bertambah huhuhu tua. Blog ini juga semakin tua aja... But however gue tetep akan ngepost kalo gue lagi sempet karena gue gaada tempat lagi buat curcol secara detaill HAHAHA maklumin gue lagi nganggur. 

Oke. Semester satu telah berakhir. Setelah menghabiskan waktu selama satu semester ini... kayaknya dikit bgt pengalaman yg gue dapetin. banyak sih cuman i have no time to do my own thing... yaaa waktu gue abis pokoknya karena banyak hal tapi alhamdulilah gue masih kuliah yang bener dan nyaris gapernah bolos kuliah (beberapa kelas absen gue full HAHAHA) ambi :( setelah belajar adaptasi di lingkungan baru, gue sadar bahwa makin banyak keberagaman, keanehan, di lingkungan gue. tapi setidaknya IP gue alhamdulilah bagus dan seneng bisa banggain ortu. lalu hadiah dari IP gue yang bagus ini adalah.... A SHORT TRIP WITH MY BEST BUDDY!

Jadiii diantara sahabat2 smp gue sejak desember ada wacana mau nyusul Aurel di jogja. Liburan barenglah ceritanya. meanwhile gue adalah orang yang paling gaenakan sm ortu kalo mau minta ijin kesana... dan gue masi stres ngurusin kuliah uas dll jd gak kepikiran beli tiket dll. selagi depresi nunggu IP keluar, tiba2 minti dan macan udah di jogja aja. karena mereka gak wacana gue bete sirik ngambek. pas gue lg galau, ternyata ares kevin luthfi belom pada jalan ke jogja. dan yang gue kira mereka wacana, ternyata beneran mau jalan. rencana mereka berangkat tanggal 7 jan dan ini udh tanggal 6 jan woy?? h-1 belom megang tiket?? oke gue panik. gue tanya mereka fix berangkat apa engga. gue akhirnya iseng ngobrol sm nyokap "mam temen2 ad udh pd di jogja..." tiba2 nyokap ngomong "lah kamu nyusul aja??" NAH gue langsung panik seneng bgt dan ngehubungin tuh cowo2 soal tiket. akhirnya setelah perjuangan beli tiket, yang gajadi2 lewat online karena kartu kredit gue limit, akhirnya dibeliin luthfi jam 9 malem di indomaret. dan sekebetulan itu gue lagi di bandung pas mereka di bandung! what a coincidence! jadi rencana kita adalah bareng2 ke jogja naik kereta jam 7 pagi di stasiun bandung. karena fix berangkatnya superrrr dadakan bgt, gue dari jakarta kan gak tau kalo dari bandung langsung mau ke jogja, alhasil gue gak bawa baju banyak dan ujung2nya gue minjem baju kakak dan nyokap gue. tas yang gue bawa aja literally tas kecil banget, dengan pake flatshoes seadanya.

sooo, 7 januari pagi, sekitar jam 6 pagi kurang gue udah sampe stasiun, dan cowo2 jg udh sampe! ngakak ngeliat muka masi muka bantal tapi semangat banget mau jalan. sebelum jalan, mumpung kita semua belum sarapan, akhirnya kita mesen semacam nasi uduk gitu di restoran dalam stasiun, yang ternyata mahal dan rasanya biasa banget :( dalem hati: anj**** dah nyesel guaaaa. setelah itu gak lama kemudian, kita udah harus masuk kereta. tepat pukul 7 pagi, kereta jalan menuju Jogjakarta.

di kereta, bodoh banget. awal2, masih agak awkward karena gatau mau ngapain. akhirnya, semuanya tidur kecuali gue, karena gue lg asik ngeliatin pemandangan HAHA.




TO BE CONTINUED....

kopi

ditulis pada 13 februari 2016.

duduk. sendirian.

berkontemplasi.

mungkin dengan duduk sendirian ini, gue bisa mikir lebih jernih,

apakah gue akan dapet jawaban yang sebenernya,

apakah gue bakal bisa memutuskan suatu keputusan.

berada di sebuah kedai kopi di kawasan jakarta pusat, duduk di seberang salah satu pusat perbelanjaan terbesar di jantung kota jakarta, memesan caramel macchiato less sugar extra caramel ukuran grande (ya, gue tau ini adalah sebuah kontradiksi), dan expresso brownies yang dihangatkan terlebih dahulu, gue berdalih ingin mengerjakan suatu tugas (yang memang benar ada tugas) tetapi kepala gue pusing dengan banyak hal.

gue sangat takut keluar dari zona aman. gue takut nyakitin hati orang. gue takut orang berekspektasi lebih sama gue. gue takut orang masuk ke kehidupan gue yang super berantakan. gue takut salah. gue ga nyaman. gue gaksuka jadi orang yang kayak gini, tapi gue harus kayak gini demi mencegah hal-hal buruk terjadi. gue gamau lagi sakit hati, gue gamau salah pokoknya.

ada salah satu quotes dari Haruki Murakami yang akan gue kutip, yang sangat menjelaskan keadaan gue. i hope you'll read this.

there are some things about myself i cant explain to anyone. there are some things i dont understand at all. i cant tell what i think about things or what im after. i dont know what my strengths are or what im supposed to do about them. but if i start thinking about these things in too much detail the whole thing gets scary. and if i get scared i can only think about myself. i become really self-centered, and without meaning to, i hurt people. so im not such a wonderful human being.

hari ini dua tahun yang lalu, tepat 13 februari 2014, gue mendapatkan suatu surat yang bikin gue shock berat, jantungan, sakit hati, sedih, dan kecewa. someone decided to let me go dengan alasan yang gak logis. menurut gue, itu keputusan yang sangat2 egois dan gak berperikemanusiaan. kalo diinget2 rasanya, gue gamau lagi ngerasain hal kayak gitu lagi. ever. sampe sekarang, rasa sedihnya masih nempel, gue masih ngebayangin kalo dia masih ada, kalo dia akan balas chat gue lagi, kalo dia akan berdiri di depan gue, atau duduk di coffee shop dan ngobrol bareng sama gue. i tried to reach him earlier this year, dan dia respon, tapi gak lama menghilang lagi. gue sedih, sesedih itu. tp mungkin ada baiknya juga dia ngelakuin ini ke gue, mungkin biar gue gak berekspektasi lebih sama dia, biar gue gak kebanyakan ngayal. because dia terlalu mengenal gue. biasanya, orang yang terlalu mengenal gue, ends up akan bikin gue sedih karena gue selalu berekspektasi lebih pada mereka. thats why, i promised myself not too trust anyone that fast.

dengan terlalu banyak pressure seperti saat ini, gue gamau ngelakuin apapun yang bisa bikin gue makin tambah pusing, gue gak tertarik untuk memperibet hidup gue karena hidup gue memang sudah ribet, gue memutuskan untuk fokus di kuliah dan menambah pengalaman dan prestasi. i have a lot of things dalam kehidupan gue yang sangat sangat sangat ribet dan ga gampang dimengerti orang.

dear people, thank u for being here when i need someone

the painful truth about one-sided love...

Loving someone is one of the most vulnerable positions in which you can be. You open your heart to another person and your best wish is for him or her to love you in return.

Unfortunately, life is not a Nicholas Sparks movie; love isn’t always reciprocated, and it doesn’t always end in a happily ever after.

I had to learn this hard truth, and chances are, you’re reading this because you have, too.

Sometimes, love isn’t a feeling you force upon yourself; it just happens.

When you start to spend more time with another human being, you expose yourself to whom he or she is — all the idiosyncrasies, past experiences, what makes him or her happy or sad, dreams and ambitions in life, flaws and the depths of his or her heart.

And you, in return, divulge your deepest secrets and desires. They know what it takes to make you laugh or feel special, and you build new memories together that make any torment of the past that much easier to bear. It makes you feel hopeful, and before you know it, you’re in love.

It is an incredibly vulnerable position because to me, loving someone entails giving away parts of yourself you lock up from the rest of the world.

We all have stories to which we quietly hold tightly and when you are finally able to reveal this to another person, it is a true sign of trust and a whole new level of intimacy.

Everything changes the moment you look at a person differently. You start to notice intricate details you didn’t before, like the curve of his or her lips, the frown line above his or her eyebrows and the way he or she laughs.

You realize how much you adore this person and what you would do to move mountains for him or her. Then, your heart starts to palpitate, fingers start to shake and it dawns on you that the next step won’t be easy — the declaration.

This is the scariest part. You either free your soul and spill, or die in torment to salvage whatever relationship you have. If you know for sure that how you feel is mutual, there is absolutely no risk involved. Otherwise, it is an excruciating experience that might make you wish you were hit by a truck.

The part where he or she tells you he or she doesn’t feel the same way or can’t date you for whatever reasons or is not ready to be in a relationship can be painful to hear. But, the reason is irrelevant — it still f*cking sucks.

Rejection is not pretty. It hurts. It brings on an onslaught of tears, heartache and self-loathing. This is the part where your shattered heart will start to ask questions like, “Why doesn’t he/she love me?” and your brain does this bullsh*t thing where it answers with, “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not loveable” or “I’m worthless.”

The next thing you know, you’re in sweatpants with a tub of ice cream and you call in sick to work because you can’t get out of bed. Rejection can be immobilizing.

Then, you have to deal with the “giving each other space” thing so you can stay friends or “never see each other ever again” because it’s awkward. It’s almost like a breakup! Then, you mourn the person’s absence and wonder if he or she thinks of you, too.

Then, you get even more depressed by the very thought of you being all emotional while he or she is probably off with someone better. Then, you wonder if he or she cares at all, even just a little bit. And then, you feel sorry for yourself.

After some time to grieve — weeks or maybe even months —, you might be able to wake up in the morning and breathe clearly again because it didn’t hurt so much.

You start doing the “I’m working on me” thing and it distracts you for a bit, but a song might come on the radio that reminds you of him or her, or someone asks you about that person, and the pain bleeds through the cracks of your trying-to-mend heart.

You want to call him or her just to see how he or she is, but maybe that’s too much. You have news to share with this person, like a new job or something interesting that happened, but maybe that’s too much, as well.

The worst thing that could happen is a relapse. And, you’re stuck with the feeling of “will this ever get better?”

You move on with your life, fearing you’ll never open your heart that way again. You also fear no one will be able to steal your heart again.

Perhaps the sun will shine over the dark clouds one day and you will have your moments of hope and faith — hope that it will get better soon and faith that it will all make sense.

You didn’t understand because in your eyes, the two of you would have been an unstoppable force and an amazing love story. You wish that he or she could see the beautiful world through your lenses — a romance entangled with heated debates, bad fights and passionate sex.

The truth is, he or she will never understand. He or she will never understand how happy you could have made him or her or how it feels to be loved by you. And that, in the end, is the saddest, most painful part of it all.





i found this article from elitedaily.com and i cant be more agreed..... too sad to even care, to myself, as long as this pitiful life isn't over yet.


i spent these days with unsure-ness, i keep reminding myself to get over it, but i cant. its not that easy. i feel so stupid.

its like touching a star. you can only imagine it, but it will never happen.

pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. - Haruki Murakami







and i choose... suffering, hurting myself until forever, try to curing myself by hurting myself all over again

Selamat Siang

Halo. Selamat siang dari kampus tercinta. Hahaha jarang banget kan gue ngepost blog siang2, apalagi setelah sekian lama gak ngepost. Now gue lg gabut di kelas dan gatau mesti ngapain. Daaaan gue lg pengen cerita2 dan numpahin semuanya, jadi yaudah gue blogging jam segini hehe.

Its been more than 2 months gue berkuliah. Kaget? Ya. Belum terbiasa? Ya. Gue agak2 susah beraptasi sama capeknya kuliah karenaaa gue selama sma belajarnya gapake otak saking2 yang penting keterima yang penting lulus. Pas kuliah, gue kaget krn otak gue kepake banget, gue mesti bener2 belajar dan mendalami semua mata kuliah demi IP dan demi pemahaman, lagian masa gue udah kuliah tapi masi aja sks? Gaboleh bego intinya. Dan apalagi gue berada di jurusan yang anak2nya sangat ambisius, like really definition of ambisius.  Guee jujur gue ambi juga... Cuma yaa gue masi ada malesnya, masi ada mainnya, its likeee gue akan selalu menyisihkan waktu gue buat main cabut dan have fun. I will not spend most of my time buat kuliah things... Nooo. 

Ospek. Oke gue ospek, karena hal ini adalah hal normal yang memang gue harus jalanin, dan jadiin aja pengalaman yang akan selalu gue inget selamanya, dan bisa gue ceritain masa2 maba gue ke anak2 gue nanti. Dan kelompok gue kalah dua kali gitu gatau kenapa deh ya hahahaha yaudah deh... These too, shall pass :) 

Selama masuk kuliah... Gue bertemu dan berkenalan sama banyak orang yang jauh lebih beragam dibandingkan pas sma. Waktu gue sma aja gue udh ngerasa beragam bgt, liat anak2 gak manja minta2 jemput lalu naik kendaraan umum pulang sendiri, pas kuliah liat anak2 dari luar kota yang rela jauh2 merantau demi kuliah. Proud of them. Gue salut bgt ngeliat mereka mencoba ngomong "gue lo" dan itu lucu. Logat2 jawa yang bikin ngakak, dan menarik banget. Gitu2 mereka di perkuliahan sangat ambi, karena mereka ngebawa nama baik kota asal mereka dan berharap membawa perubahan di kedepannya. Ada temen gue dari malang yang cita2nya jadi presiden, diplomat, dll. Itu sebuah kebanggaan loh. Gue agak2 malu kalo gue gapunya prospek dan rencana masa depan kalo ngeliat orang lain. Karena itu memang gue udh nyiapin list prospek masa depan gue dari skrg gue gamau menghabiskan waktu gue sia2, gue cuma pengen bgt banggain nyokap gue, gue gasabar wisuda dan cumlaude, gue gasabar dapet beasiswa master keluar, gue cuma pengen nunjukkin nyokap bahwa gue bisa. Mungkin orang2 gak tau, ngeliat gue santai2 aja, padahal gue banyak beban yang sifatnya pribadi. Intinya, ada "harapan" dibalik semua musibah yang Allah timpakan ke gue dan keluarga gue, karena kita yakin bahwa Allah gaakan memberikan musibah kalo kita gabisa melewatinya. Gue yakin, these too shall pass (again) :)

Soal lovelife... Shit. I dunno hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yang penting intinya gue ga nemu siapa2 (sejauh ini) dan gue bingung sama perasaan gue. Gue yakin gue akan menemukan orang yang bener2 sesuai sama gue gapake php2, ga bikin baper sialan doang, dan kembali kepada 4T (Tampang Tajir Taqwa Tinggi). Ada quotes yg bikin gue perih bgt... 

Anjir. Singkat padat dan jelas +++ nyakitin. Tapi sumpah quotes ini bikin gue sesadar itu bahwa pilihan gue mungkin salah. Apa yang gue anggap benar mungkin salah. Apa yang gue rasa benar mungkin salah. Bahkan. Pembenaran dan pemaksaan dari pikiran dan hati gue sangat salah. Memang salah, terbukti. Makanya bagaimana caranya Allah nunjukkin bgt bahwa gue gaboleh baper sama orang yg gak penting, minimal baper, karena dalam skala gue, baper sebelum suka. Suka sebelum cinta. Untung gue diselamatkan sampe tingkat baper. Gue bukannya cewe murahan yang ngebet bgt punya pacar kok lagian... Dih miris. Gue cuma bertanya2 "kapan gue bisa nemu, kapan gue bisa kaya cewe2 lain yg happy2 hidupnya" "cowo ganteng dimana2 tapi kenapa gue gadapet2 sih" yaa basically pemikiran seperti itu yang sehari2 gue pikirin. Gue sedih sih.... Ya tapi sedih ya cukup sedih aja. Im okay yg penting. Gue bakal fokus kuliah+main aja, cari pengalaman baru. Btw, gue baru mengubah pemikiran gue menjadi liberal. Its likeee... Yaudah lo mau ngapain suka2 lo bebas aja yang penting gak ngerugiin gue. Dan gue juga bebas mau ngelakuin apa yang gue anggap benar, setidaknya gue jg masih di jalan yang benar kok. Gue gamau sok suci dan gue gamau muna2 brengsek, i think its enough gue punya hobi memendam rasa marah sedih benci sampe enek. Gue bakal muntahin aja dan gue bakal ngungkapin apa yang gak enak menurut gue. Gue udah capek jaga image, tapi gue akan selalu berusaha untuk menjaga perasaan orang lain. Gue bukan drama queen kok... Gue juga akan selalu berusaha mencari penyelesaian sebuah masalah, bukan malah ninggalin... 

Woy.... Gue selama pelajaran malah curcol hahaha. I dunno ini lg bahas apa yaudahlah :( tapi gue lg kangen sm temen2 gue :( kangen sekangen kangennya... Dan mereka jauh. Di luar kota. Bayangin, nyaris semua sahabat gue kuliah di luar kota dan luar kampus gue skrg, makanya kalo di kampus gue ngerasa kesepian kadang, kayaaa butuh bgt temen buat dipeluk2 dan dicurhatin 24 jam. Ada yang satu kampus... Tapi beda fakultas... Kan miris juga intinya kita jarang ktm :( sama yang beda fakultas aja susah ketemu gimana kalo beda kota... Gasabar liburan tahun baru........ Dan gue butuh liburan. Banget. Gue secinta itu sama pantai dan gue butuh isi ulang udara pantai di paru2 gue haha selebay itu tapi fakta bahwa gue cinta bgt sama pantai :( 

Ey... Sudah dulu curhatan siang ini, nanti akan gue teruskan lagi kapan2... Hahahaha annyeonghigaseyo

Hari Baru.

selamat malam,
seperti biasa gue selalu online di malam hari, karena hanya waktu malam otak gue jernih buat cerita.
cerita numpuk.

sekarang gue udah lulus sma, selesai semuanya. harapan gue sudah gue dapatkan, gue udah mendapatkan jurusan yang gue mau yaitu HI-UI. melalui jalur snmptn undangan. gue udah banggain ortu, keluarga, dan sekolah. hari wisuda, gue melek, nyadarin diri, bahwa 12 tahun wajib belajar gue udah selesai. seneng rasanya, tapi sedih juga. kayak ga nyangka aja ternyata gue udah menuju kedewasaan, bener2 bukan anak kecil lagi. setahun selama menjadi kelas 3, gue mabok bimbel, belajar tiap hari, setengah mati, sampe tengah malem begadang tiap hari buat belajar.

alhasil, januari gue dirawat di RS karena tipes, karena kecapekan. kenyang diomelin, gak belajar dari pengalaman, 2 hari sebelum UN gue kena DB+tipes parah. saat un, gue udh gbs buka mata, gakkuat ngerjain, tp krn tanggung jawab, gue maksain ttp un. ini semua karena seminggu sebelum un gue belajar kaya orang gila tiap hari di bimbel dari pagi sampe malem, ngejb kelas lain, ngejar2 guru, mengemis latihan soal, daaan makan gak teratur. matilah. waktu pulang un hari pertama, gue udah gakkuat, demam tinggi, dikuat2in istirahat dirumah. pulang un hari kedua, parah, udah gakbisa buka mata. akhirnya gue dilarikan ke ugd dan disitu di infus penurun panas, vitamin biar gue besoknya masih kuat un lagi. dokternya udah heran ngeliat gue semangat banget un padahal udah hancur lebur trombosit 44.000. hari terakhir un, tepatnya pelajaran ekonomi dan bahasa inggris, terburuk. gue gabisa mikir, ngantuk, sakit kepala, mata perih, dan waktu bahasa inggris gue tidur. untung dapet nilai 90... waktu ekonomi gue udah mau nangis. gabisa mikir. akhirnya gue berdoa dan ngerjain sebisanya aja dan gue yakin cuma setengah doang, sisanya pasrah. bener kan, hasilnya nilai ekonomi 64 aja. karena gue bisa, tp gue gak sanggup karena gue sakit. sampe rumah, gue diinfus lagi karena dokternya kerumah karenaa gue gakmau dirawat lagi di rs, gak nyaman banget. besoknya nyokap udah kasian bgt kali ya sama gue yang cuma bisa pasrah doang diinfus berkantong2, akhirnya gue dirawat di rs lagi. padahal hari itu temen2 gue berangkat ke anyer buat liburan setelah un. gue sebenernya sedih bgt gaikut karena kebodohan gue bisa sampe sakit. gue nyesel bgt. gue cuma berakhir dirawat 3 hari sendirian kaya orang bodoh gaada temen gue yg jenguk krn gue gamau bilang ke temen2 gue kalo gue dirawat lagi. keliatan banget kalo gue super bodoh.

setelah keluar dari rs.... gue depresi. parah. yaiyalah siapa coba yg gak stres... un sakit, ngerjainnya asal2an. kira2 aja. gue sedepresi itu, rambut rontok, kurusan, muntah2, gabisa have fun, gelap terus, negative thinking, gak tidur. Sekitar 2 minggu gue kaya mayat idup, kerjaannya cm main laptop nonton drama, ngansos tiap hari. Nyokap gak khawatir alias biasa aja krn palingan ngiranya gue gaada apa2. Akhirnya gue berusaha optimis meskipun tiap malem rasanya nyesel gabisa maksimal dalam apapun hal yang gue lakuin...

Pengumuman hasil UN. Rasanya kaya mau mati. Gue udh yakin bgt gue ga lulus, nilai jelek, bahkan gue udh siapin bgt mau bunuh diri terjun dari atap rumah kalo sampe ga lulus. Intinya, mental gue udh geser. Udah gakuat. Waktu tau pengumuman udh bocor di website, gue merinding. Pelan2 buka... Dan gapercaya sama hasilnya. Gue. Lulus. 100% lulus. Gue antara mau nangis sama lompat2 bahagia. Proud of myself. Lalu gue kepo buat nyari nilai gue berapa karena memang nilainya belum keluar. Akhirnya gue bbm wali kelas gue buat minta nilainya lalu dibales. Bener kan.... Gue kecewa sama nilai ekonomi gue. Tp gue bersyukur bisa lulus. Allah maha tahu. Sekitar beberapa hari kemudian, pengumuman SNMPTN, gue buka lebih cepet website nya karena temen2 gue bilang bisa dibuka, wkt pd akhirnya gue buka, ada tulisan ini 

Wakakakaka, gue gak perlu pasrah, gue malah ngakak. Gue langsung ngomong "halah bener kan gak keterima, yeay fix hi-unpar di bandung". Wkt itu gue lagi bareng tante dan kakak gue. Dan yang seharusnya pengumuman jam 12, gue buka jam 12 kurang 10. Abis itu gue guling2 aja, nyapa temen2 "hey gue ga keterima wakaka" and somehow kayaaa bener2 yakin gue ga keterima. Trs tante gue kaya "yakin kamu ga keterima..masa sih.. Palingan website nya error..." Berhubung doi feeling nya kuat, akhirnya sekitar jam setengah 1 gue buka lagi.. Dan hasilnya.....

Gue nangis. Histeris. Nangis sampe bener2 senangis2nya nangis. It was like "really???" Jatohnya ke arah shock. Bahagia banget bisa banggain nyokap. Campur aduk. Because my mom was in bandung, so i called her while im still freakingly crying. "Mam ad keterima mam... Ad keterima hi-ui mam...." Nyokap gue langsung nangis juga. "Alhamdulilah dek... Alhamdulilah sayang... Mama mau banget meluk kamu sekarang ayo kamu ke bandung peluk mama sini alhamdulilah masya Allah rezeki dan berkah ya Allah mama gak kuat". Then in the end mama nangis2 juga lalu nutup telponnya. Gue bener2.... Gimana ya. Tau gak sih rasa "haha yaudah bodo amet keterima apa engga" tapi you know deep down "ya Allah masa saya ga keterima sih..." Gue bersyukur banget. Gue gabisa apa2 tanpa dukungan guru, nyokap, temen2, dan Allah. Sejujurnya gue ga sepinter itu waktu sma, gue anak biasa aja, cuma ya mungkin effort gue mengejar cita2 lebih tinggi dari yang lain. Ambisius lah ya. Proud of myself, bangga. Pintu menuju masa depan yang sangat baik terbuka selebar2nya. Gue langsung sujud syukur, merem, berdoa bersyukur. "Ya Allah kalo memang ini jalanku, maka berkahilah ya Allah."

Wisuda tanggal 3 Juni. Deg2an sekaligus bahagia, saat gue maju ke depan, nama gue disebut, serta kata2 "diterima di Universitas Indonesia jurusan Hubungan Internasional jalur SNMPTN undangan" langsung disorakin temen2, nyokap yang duduk ngeliat gue sambil motoin gue. Ya Allah, gaada hari yang lebih membanggakan dari hari itu. Semua rasa bahagia karena prestasi dan sedih karena berpisah, campur aduk. 

Last, bener2 last, promnight. Karena gue agak2 trauma sama prom, i expect nothing. Harusnya ada pasangan yang ngajak, hahaha gue gaada. And im okay. Sedih sih... Tapi yaudah... Cowo angkatan gue jg cm 60, cewenya 200. Berharap apa? Then gue enjoy aja malem itu sampe acaranya bener2 selesai, waktu dikasi surat yang harus diisi tulisannya "10 years from now", gue galau. It means dalam 10 tahun... Akan banyak perubahan. Gue akan dewasa, bekerja, menikah. Gue adalah tipe cewe yang selalu melihat ke depan terlalu jauh. Gue takut menghadapi masa depan, tapi gue yakin sama masa depan gue. Ini adalah cara gue memantapkan diri sebagai wanita dewasa yang bertanggung jawab. Gue bukan anak sma yang tukang cabut dan tidur2 gajelas lagi. Senyum dan kebahagiaan teman2 gue malam itu akan selalu gue inget, orang yang gue care, orang yang selalu ada buat gue, akan selalu gue simpan baik2 dalam kotak kenangan yang gaakan pernah gue lupakan. Kita semua akan menjalani hidup kita masing2, gaakan ketemu lagi dengan seragam dan gaakan sekelas lagi. Tapi, gue yakin, 10 tahun lagi, kita akan ketemu, dengan pencapaian masing2, dan gue akan bangga dengan mereka semua. Im sure.

Perlahan gue tutup memori sma gue. Gue coba inget2 lagi satu persatu kejadian. Waktu utas susah2, waktu aud happy2, waktu agit susah2 tapi happy2. Priceless. Gak tergantikan. Gue akuin memang masa sma gue ga seindah itu, tapi gue bersyukur bisa dikasih kesempatan untuk menimba ilmu di sma yang ngetop di jakarta selatan.

Gue siap membuka lembaran baru, gue siap untuk menghadapi masa depan, terima kasih ya Allah telah memberikan aku 18 tahun yang penuh berkah :)

-almost- Two Decades

“All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3 AM conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight than talk. You have never worn a lover’s sweater or “forgotten” it at home in your bedroom just so you would have an excuse to see them again. You have never even stood face-to-face with someone who makes your hands shake so hard it feels like they’re both having a separate anxiety attack.

This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity. Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth?

The answer is no. The better answer is that someone out there, somewhere in the world, is “wondering what it’s like to meet someone like you,” and they have two decades worth of love stored in their veins like a shoot-‘em-up drug, and they’re just about ready to inject it into someone else’s bloodstream. All you have to do is roll up your sleeves and wait for it to happen.

At times you felt so lonely you could stand at the edge of a cliff with nothing beneath you but air and grass and a long, long way down, and you’d still feel emptier than that canyon itself. Maybe you even danced with yourself alone in your room a few times, arms outstretched around a ghost, pretending someone else’s hands were on your waist, someone else’s eyes boring into yours.

Or maybe you fell temporarily in love with strangers on public transportation, fell in love with anybody who so much as accidentally brushed your hand on the way past. For you, falling in love with dozens of people a day was a coping mechanism for not having anyone to love you in return. But people are not eggs and falling in love with a dozen of them does not mean your shell will remain uncracked. One day you’re going to hit the point where you’re so desperate for human contact that you’re going to snap in half and all your love will bleed out like egg yolk.

But someone out there is eating a bowl of Ramen noodles right now, or putting on slippers, or settling into bed. They are doing all the normal things that you’ve done in your own life. They are just like you. They have cellulite and extra fat in all the wrong places and goals and fears and doubts and bad handwriting.

The truth is that they are just like you, and being just like you, they’re looking for a lover too. They’re what you might call a soulmate.

They think they’re all alone in feeling the way they do, but you’re really both two halves of a whole.

And one day you’ll meet them, bump into them on the street, and your two halves will be put together, and you’ll make one.”

My friend saw this post on tumblr and she thought THIS IS SO ME then she sent it to me. Yes because i've been single for 18 years and i feel so.... Weird. I feel so insecure.

In my experience, love sucks. Loving someone? Sucks. Ewh. I spent 7 years liking the same guy who never even aware at my existence. At that time, i believe in true love, and i believe that guy WILL look at me. Guess what? Nope. Stupid me. So now i dont care about that guy anymore, i tried to find someone better, trying to meet someone new, finding love guru, but still.... It didnt work out :( not that i still like that guy, but i just cant find someone new, someone that i really cared about, someone that makes my heart beating so fast, i just cant :( and then i realized that im okay without a boyfriend. Really im okay. I love school, i love my friends, i love my family, and most of all i have a lot of people who love me the way i am. I like myself, i like my hobbies, really im okay. I actually met someone online, he's nice, i like him, but he's not real. I cant like him more further if he doesnt show up, if he doesnt show his true self. So i just wanna say im sorry if he do like me unconditionally... I think he didnt know that i know everything, but i hope he realized, that i cant accept someone via internet. 

I think i should open my eyes, be wise, and open my heart for the REAL person around me who loves me the way i am, im so sorry if i hurt any of you, because i am dense and blind. 

University life, im coming. 

Someone.

I never wanted a woman that wanted
Me for my name or material things, see
I always hoped for a woman that's so sure
Emotionally secure with spiritual faith

A woman that I can trust with all of my secrets
And even listen to all of my issues
A woman who never judge me or how I was
She deals with me strictly through love

Someone who will put up with the things, loving me can bring
And still be there to see us through
Someone who would put up with the strange and complicated things
'Cause I would do the same for her too

Someone who I can be real with, ain't gotta be perfect
'Cause loving one another is all that matters
It's not hard to explain, so believe me when I say
That I found all of that in you

All that I hope for a friendship that's so pure
A girl I can talk to 'bout whatever's on my heart
A woman that needs me, that trust and believes me
That won't take my kindness as some kind of weakness

A woman who bares her soul, who's willing to let go
That wants me to lead her but knows how to take control
And when I am feeling down 'cause things are going wrong
She fills me up, make me feel strong

You are that someone who loves me through all my imperfections
You know my heart is filled with nothing but good intentions
You are the one that told me long as we got us, nothing matters
You are the one that sees the joy through the pain

You are my light through the rain, here and now
Girl I am saying, it's you, you're my heart, it's you
You're that someone I can truly say that I'll never find
Another love like you

♥