the painful truth about one-sided love...

Loving someone is one of the most vulnerable positions in which you can be. You open your heart to another person and your best wish is for him or her to love you in return.

Unfortunately, life is not a Nicholas Sparks movie; love isn’t always reciprocated, and it doesn’t always end in a happily ever after.

I had to learn this hard truth, and chances are, you’re reading this because you have, too.

Sometimes, love isn’t a feeling you force upon yourself; it just happens.

When you start to spend more time with another human being, you expose yourself to whom he or she is — all the idiosyncrasies, past experiences, what makes him or her happy or sad, dreams and ambitions in life, flaws and the depths of his or her heart.

And you, in return, divulge your deepest secrets and desires. They know what it takes to make you laugh or feel special, and you build new memories together that make any torment of the past that much easier to bear. It makes you feel hopeful, and before you know it, you’re in love.

It is an incredibly vulnerable position because to me, loving someone entails giving away parts of yourself you lock up from the rest of the world.

We all have stories to which we quietly hold tightly and when you are finally able to reveal this to another person, it is a true sign of trust and a whole new level of intimacy.

Everything changes the moment you look at a person differently. You start to notice intricate details you didn’t before, like the curve of his or her lips, the frown line above his or her eyebrows and the way he or she laughs.

You realize how much you adore this person and what you would do to move mountains for him or her. Then, your heart starts to palpitate, fingers start to shake and it dawns on you that the next step won’t be easy — the declaration.

This is the scariest part. You either free your soul and spill, or die in torment to salvage whatever relationship you have. If you know for sure that how you feel is mutual, there is absolutely no risk involved. Otherwise, it is an excruciating experience that might make you wish you were hit by a truck.

The part where he or she tells you he or she doesn’t feel the same way or can’t date you for whatever reasons or is not ready to be in a relationship can be painful to hear. But, the reason is irrelevant — it still f*cking sucks.

Rejection is not pretty. It hurts. It brings on an onslaught of tears, heartache and self-loathing. This is the part where your shattered heart will start to ask questions like, “Why doesn’t he/she love me?” and your brain does this bullsh*t thing where it answers with, “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not loveable” or “I’m worthless.”

The next thing you know, you’re in sweatpants with a tub of ice cream and you call in sick to work because you can’t get out of bed. Rejection can be immobilizing.

Then, you have to deal with the “giving each other space” thing so you can stay friends or “never see each other ever again” because it’s awkward. It’s almost like a breakup! Then, you mourn the person’s absence and wonder if he or she thinks of you, too.

Then, you get even more depressed by the very thought of you being all emotional while he or she is probably off with someone better. Then, you wonder if he or she cares at all, even just a little bit. And then, you feel sorry for yourself.

After some time to grieve — weeks or maybe even months —, you might be able to wake up in the morning and breathe clearly again because it didn’t hurt so much.

You start doing the “I’m working on me” thing and it distracts you for a bit, but a song might come on the radio that reminds you of him or her, or someone asks you about that person, and the pain bleeds through the cracks of your trying-to-mend heart.

You want to call him or her just to see how he or she is, but maybe that’s too much. You have news to share with this person, like a new job or something interesting that happened, but maybe that’s too much, as well.

The worst thing that could happen is a relapse. And, you’re stuck with the feeling of “will this ever get better?”

You move on with your life, fearing you’ll never open your heart that way again. You also fear no one will be able to steal your heart again.

Perhaps the sun will shine over the dark clouds one day and you will have your moments of hope and faith — hope that it will get better soon and faith that it will all make sense.

You didn’t understand because in your eyes, the two of you would have been an unstoppable force and an amazing love story. You wish that he or she could see the beautiful world through your lenses — a romance entangled with heated debates, bad fights and passionate sex.

The truth is, he or she will never understand. He or she will never understand how happy you could have made him or her or how it feels to be loved by you. And that, in the end, is the saddest, most painful part of it all.





i found this article from elitedaily.com and i cant be more agreed..... too sad to even care, to myself, as long as this pitiful life isn't over yet.


i spent these days with unsure-ness, i keep reminding myself to get over it, but i cant. its not that easy. i feel so stupid.

its like touching a star. you can only imagine it, but it will never happen.

pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. - Haruki Murakami







and i choose... suffering, hurting myself until forever, try to curing myself by hurting myself all over again

Selamat Siang

Halo. Selamat siang dari kampus tercinta. Hahaha jarang banget kan gue ngepost blog siang2, apalagi setelah sekian lama gak ngepost. Now gue lg gabut di kelas dan gatau mesti ngapain. Daaaan gue lg pengen cerita2 dan numpahin semuanya, jadi yaudah gue blogging jam segini hehe.

Its been more than 2 months gue berkuliah. Kaget? Ya. Belum terbiasa? Ya. Gue agak2 susah beraptasi sama capeknya kuliah karenaaa gue selama sma belajarnya gapake otak saking2 yang penting keterima yang penting lulus. Pas kuliah, gue kaget krn otak gue kepake banget, gue mesti bener2 belajar dan mendalami semua mata kuliah demi IP dan demi pemahaman, lagian masa gue udah kuliah tapi masi aja sks? Gaboleh bego intinya. Dan apalagi gue berada di jurusan yang anak2nya sangat ambisius, like really definition of ambisius.  Guee jujur gue ambi juga... Cuma yaa gue masi ada malesnya, masi ada mainnya, its likeee gue akan selalu menyisihkan waktu gue buat main cabut dan have fun. I will not spend most of my time buat kuliah things... Nooo. 

Ospek. Oke gue ospek, karena hal ini adalah hal normal yang memang gue harus jalanin, dan jadiin aja pengalaman yang akan selalu gue inget selamanya, dan bisa gue ceritain masa2 maba gue ke anak2 gue nanti. Dan kelompok gue kalah dua kali gitu gatau kenapa deh ya hahahaha yaudah deh... These too, shall pass :) 

Selama masuk kuliah... Gue bertemu dan berkenalan sama banyak orang yang jauh lebih beragam dibandingkan pas sma. Waktu gue sma aja gue udh ngerasa beragam bgt, liat anak2 gak manja minta2 jemput lalu naik kendaraan umum pulang sendiri, pas kuliah liat anak2 dari luar kota yang rela jauh2 merantau demi kuliah. Proud of them. Gue salut bgt ngeliat mereka mencoba ngomong "gue lo" dan itu lucu. Logat2 jawa yang bikin ngakak, dan menarik banget. Gitu2 mereka di perkuliahan sangat ambi, karena mereka ngebawa nama baik kota asal mereka dan berharap membawa perubahan di kedepannya. Ada temen gue dari malang yang cita2nya jadi presiden, diplomat, dll. Itu sebuah kebanggaan loh. Gue agak2 malu kalo gue gapunya prospek dan rencana masa depan kalo ngeliat orang lain. Karena itu memang gue udh nyiapin list prospek masa depan gue dari skrg gue gamau menghabiskan waktu gue sia2, gue cuma pengen bgt banggain nyokap gue, gue gasabar wisuda dan cumlaude, gue gasabar dapet beasiswa master keluar, gue cuma pengen nunjukkin nyokap bahwa gue bisa. Mungkin orang2 gak tau, ngeliat gue santai2 aja, padahal gue banyak beban yang sifatnya pribadi. Intinya, ada "harapan" dibalik semua musibah yang Allah timpakan ke gue dan keluarga gue, karena kita yakin bahwa Allah gaakan memberikan musibah kalo kita gabisa melewatinya. Gue yakin, these too shall pass (again) :)

Soal lovelife... Shit. I dunno hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yang penting intinya gue ga nemu siapa2 (sejauh ini) dan gue bingung sama perasaan gue. Gue yakin gue akan menemukan orang yang bener2 sesuai sama gue gapake php2, ga bikin baper sialan doang, dan kembali kepada 4T (Tampang Tajir Taqwa Tinggi). Ada quotes yg bikin gue perih bgt... 

Anjir. Singkat padat dan jelas +++ nyakitin. Tapi sumpah quotes ini bikin gue sesadar itu bahwa pilihan gue mungkin salah. Apa yang gue anggap benar mungkin salah. Apa yang gue rasa benar mungkin salah. Bahkan. Pembenaran dan pemaksaan dari pikiran dan hati gue sangat salah. Memang salah, terbukti. Makanya bagaimana caranya Allah nunjukkin bgt bahwa gue gaboleh baper sama orang yg gak penting, minimal baper, karena dalam skala gue, baper sebelum suka. Suka sebelum cinta. Untung gue diselamatkan sampe tingkat baper. Gue bukannya cewe murahan yang ngebet bgt punya pacar kok lagian... Dih miris. Gue cuma bertanya2 "kapan gue bisa nemu, kapan gue bisa kaya cewe2 lain yg happy2 hidupnya" "cowo ganteng dimana2 tapi kenapa gue gadapet2 sih" yaa basically pemikiran seperti itu yang sehari2 gue pikirin. Gue sedih sih.... Ya tapi sedih ya cukup sedih aja. Im okay yg penting. Gue bakal fokus kuliah+main aja, cari pengalaman baru. Btw, gue baru mengubah pemikiran gue menjadi liberal. Its likeee... Yaudah lo mau ngapain suka2 lo bebas aja yang penting gak ngerugiin gue. Dan gue juga bebas mau ngelakuin apa yang gue anggap benar, setidaknya gue jg masih di jalan yang benar kok. Gue gamau sok suci dan gue gamau muna2 brengsek, i think its enough gue punya hobi memendam rasa marah sedih benci sampe enek. Gue bakal muntahin aja dan gue bakal ngungkapin apa yang gak enak menurut gue. Gue udah capek jaga image, tapi gue akan selalu berusaha untuk menjaga perasaan orang lain. Gue bukan drama queen kok... Gue juga akan selalu berusaha mencari penyelesaian sebuah masalah, bukan malah ninggalin... 

Woy.... Gue selama pelajaran malah curcol hahaha. I dunno ini lg bahas apa yaudahlah :( tapi gue lg kangen sm temen2 gue :( kangen sekangen kangennya... Dan mereka jauh. Di luar kota. Bayangin, nyaris semua sahabat gue kuliah di luar kota dan luar kampus gue skrg, makanya kalo di kampus gue ngerasa kesepian kadang, kayaaa butuh bgt temen buat dipeluk2 dan dicurhatin 24 jam. Ada yang satu kampus... Tapi beda fakultas... Kan miris juga intinya kita jarang ktm :( sama yang beda fakultas aja susah ketemu gimana kalo beda kota... Gasabar liburan tahun baru........ Dan gue butuh liburan. Banget. Gue secinta itu sama pantai dan gue butuh isi ulang udara pantai di paru2 gue haha selebay itu tapi fakta bahwa gue cinta bgt sama pantai :( 

Ey... Sudah dulu curhatan siang ini, nanti akan gue teruskan lagi kapan2... Hahahaha annyeonghigaseyo

Hari Baru.

selamat malam,
seperti biasa gue selalu online di malam hari, karena hanya waktu malam otak gue jernih buat cerita.
cerita numpuk.

sekarang gue udah lulus sma, selesai semuanya. harapan gue sudah gue dapatkan, gue udah mendapatkan jurusan yang gue mau yaitu HI-UI. melalui jalur snmptn undangan. gue udah banggain ortu, keluarga, dan sekolah. hari wisuda, gue melek, nyadarin diri, bahwa 12 tahun wajib belajar gue udah selesai. seneng rasanya, tapi sedih juga. kayak ga nyangka aja ternyata gue udah menuju kedewasaan, bener2 bukan anak kecil lagi. setahun selama menjadi kelas 3, gue mabok bimbel, belajar tiap hari, setengah mati, sampe tengah malem begadang tiap hari buat belajar.

alhasil, januari gue dirawat di RS karena tipes, karena kecapekan. kenyang diomelin, gak belajar dari pengalaman, 2 hari sebelum UN gue kena DB+tipes parah. saat un, gue udh gbs buka mata, gakkuat ngerjain, tp krn tanggung jawab, gue maksain ttp un. ini semua karena seminggu sebelum un gue belajar kaya orang gila tiap hari di bimbel dari pagi sampe malem, ngejb kelas lain, ngejar2 guru, mengemis latihan soal, daaan makan gak teratur. matilah. waktu pulang un hari pertama, gue udah gakkuat, demam tinggi, dikuat2in istirahat dirumah. pulang un hari kedua, parah, udah gakbisa buka mata. akhirnya gue dilarikan ke ugd dan disitu di infus penurun panas, vitamin biar gue besoknya masih kuat un lagi. dokternya udah heran ngeliat gue semangat banget un padahal udah hancur lebur trombosit 44.000. hari terakhir un, tepatnya pelajaran ekonomi dan bahasa inggris, terburuk. gue gabisa mikir, ngantuk, sakit kepala, mata perih, dan waktu bahasa inggris gue tidur. untung dapet nilai 90... waktu ekonomi gue udah mau nangis. gabisa mikir. akhirnya gue berdoa dan ngerjain sebisanya aja dan gue yakin cuma setengah doang, sisanya pasrah. bener kan, hasilnya nilai ekonomi 64 aja. karena gue bisa, tp gue gak sanggup karena gue sakit. sampe rumah, gue diinfus lagi karena dokternya kerumah karenaa gue gakmau dirawat lagi di rs, gak nyaman banget. besoknya nyokap udah kasian bgt kali ya sama gue yang cuma bisa pasrah doang diinfus berkantong2, akhirnya gue dirawat di rs lagi. padahal hari itu temen2 gue berangkat ke anyer buat liburan setelah un. gue sebenernya sedih bgt gaikut karena kebodohan gue bisa sampe sakit. gue nyesel bgt. gue cuma berakhir dirawat 3 hari sendirian kaya orang bodoh gaada temen gue yg jenguk krn gue gamau bilang ke temen2 gue kalo gue dirawat lagi. keliatan banget kalo gue super bodoh.

setelah keluar dari rs.... gue depresi. parah. yaiyalah siapa coba yg gak stres... un sakit, ngerjainnya asal2an. kira2 aja. gue sedepresi itu, rambut rontok, kurusan, muntah2, gabisa have fun, gelap terus, negative thinking, gak tidur. Sekitar 2 minggu gue kaya mayat idup, kerjaannya cm main laptop nonton drama, ngansos tiap hari. Nyokap gak khawatir alias biasa aja krn palingan ngiranya gue gaada apa2. Akhirnya gue berusaha optimis meskipun tiap malem rasanya nyesel gabisa maksimal dalam apapun hal yang gue lakuin...

Pengumuman hasil UN. Rasanya kaya mau mati. Gue udh yakin bgt gue ga lulus, nilai jelek, bahkan gue udh siapin bgt mau bunuh diri terjun dari atap rumah kalo sampe ga lulus. Intinya, mental gue udh geser. Udah gakuat. Waktu tau pengumuman udh bocor di website, gue merinding. Pelan2 buka... Dan gapercaya sama hasilnya. Gue. Lulus. 100% lulus. Gue antara mau nangis sama lompat2 bahagia. Proud of myself. Lalu gue kepo buat nyari nilai gue berapa karena memang nilainya belum keluar. Akhirnya gue bbm wali kelas gue buat minta nilainya lalu dibales. Bener kan.... Gue kecewa sama nilai ekonomi gue. Tp gue bersyukur bisa lulus. Allah maha tahu. Sekitar beberapa hari kemudian, pengumuman SNMPTN, gue buka lebih cepet website nya karena temen2 gue bilang bisa dibuka, wkt pd akhirnya gue buka, ada tulisan ini 

Wakakakaka, gue gak perlu pasrah, gue malah ngakak. Gue langsung ngomong "halah bener kan gak keterima, yeay fix hi-unpar di bandung". Wkt itu gue lagi bareng tante dan kakak gue. Dan yang seharusnya pengumuman jam 12, gue buka jam 12 kurang 10. Abis itu gue guling2 aja, nyapa temen2 "hey gue ga keterima wakaka" and somehow kayaaa bener2 yakin gue ga keterima. Trs tante gue kaya "yakin kamu ga keterima..masa sih.. Palingan website nya error..." Berhubung doi feeling nya kuat, akhirnya sekitar jam setengah 1 gue buka lagi.. Dan hasilnya.....

Gue nangis. Histeris. Nangis sampe bener2 senangis2nya nangis. It was like "really???" Jatohnya ke arah shock. Bahagia banget bisa banggain nyokap. Campur aduk. Because my mom was in bandung, so i called her while im still freakingly crying. "Mam ad keterima mam... Ad keterima hi-ui mam...." Nyokap gue langsung nangis juga. "Alhamdulilah dek... Alhamdulilah sayang... Mama mau banget meluk kamu sekarang ayo kamu ke bandung peluk mama sini alhamdulilah masya Allah rezeki dan berkah ya Allah mama gak kuat". Then in the end mama nangis2 juga lalu nutup telponnya. Gue bener2.... Gimana ya. Tau gak sih rasa "haha yaudah bodo amet keterima apa engga" tapi you know deep down "ya Allah masa saya ga keterima sih..." Gue bersyukur banget. Gue gabisa apa2 tanpa dukungan guru, nyokap, temen2, dan Allah. Sejujurnya gue ga sepinter itu waktu sma, gue anak biasa aja, cuma ya mungkin effort gue mengejar cita2 lebih tinggi dari yang lain. Ambisius lah ya. Proud of myself, bangga. Pintu menuju masa depan yang sangat baik terbuka selebar2nya. Gue langsung sujud syukur, merem, berdoa bersyukur. "Ya Allah kalo memang ini jalanku, maka berkahilah ya Allah."

Wisuda tanggal 3 Juni. Deg2an sekaligus bahagia, saat gue maju ke depan, nama gue disebut, serta kata2 "diterima di Universitas Indonesia jurusan Hubungan Internasional jalur SNMPTN undangan" langsung disorakin temen2, nyokap yang duduk ngeliat gue sambil motoin gue. Ya Allah, gaada hari yang lebih membanggakan dari hari itu. Semua rasa bahagia karena prestasi dan sedih karena berpisah, campur aduk. 

Last, bener2 last, promnight. Karena gue agak2 trauma sama prom, i expect nothing. Harusnya ada pasangan yang ngajak, hahaha gue gaada. And im okay. Sedih sih... Tapi yaudah... Cowo angkatan gue jg cm 60, cewenya 200. Berharap apa? Then gue enjoy aja malem itu sampe acaranya bener2 selesai, waktu dikasi surat yang harus diisi tulisannya "10 years from now", gue galau. It means dalam 10 tahun... Akan banyak perubahan. Gue akan dewasa, bekerja, menikah. Gue adalah tipe cewe yang selalu melihat ke depan terlalu jauh. Gue takut menghadapi masa depan, tapi gue yakin sama masa depan gue. Ini adalah cara gue memantapkan diri sebagai wanita dewasa yang bertanggung jawab. Gue bukan anak sma yang tukang cabut dan tidur2 gajelas lagi. Senyum dan kebahagiaan teman2 gue malam itu akan selalu gue inget, orang yang gue care, orang yang selalu ada buat gue, akan selalu gue simpan baik2 dalam kotak kenangan yang gaakan pernah gue lupakan. Kita semua akan menjalani hidup kita masing2, gaakan ketemu lagi dengan seragam dan gaakan sekelas lagi. Tapi, gue yakin, 10 tahun lagi, kita akan ketemu, dengan pencapaian masing2, dan gue akan bangga dengan mereka semua. Im sure.

Perlahan gue tutup memori sma gue. Gue coba inget2 lagi satu persatu kejadian. Waktu utas susah2, waktu aud happy2, waktu agit susah2 tapi happy2. Priceless. Gak tergantikan. Gue akuin memang masa sma gue ga seindah itu, tapi gue bersyukur bisa dikasih kesempatan untuk menimba ilmu di sma yang ngetop di jakarta selatan.

Gue siap membuka lembaran baru, gue siap untuk menghadapi masa depan, terima kasih ya Allah telah memberikan aku 18 tahun yang penuh berkah :)

-almost- Two Decades

“All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3 AM conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight than talk. You have never worn a lover’s sweater or “forgotten” it at home in your bedroom just so you would have an excuse to see them again. You have never even stood face-to-face with someone who makes your hands shake so hard it feels like they’re both having a separate anxiety attack.

This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity. Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth?

The answer is no. The better answer is that someone out there, somewhere in the world, is “wondering what it’s like to meet someone like you,” and they have two decades worth of love stored in their veins like a shoot-‘em-up drug, and they’re just about ready to inject it into someone else’s bloodstream. All you have to do is roll up your sleeves and wait for it to happen.

At times you felt so lonely you could stand at the edge of a cliff with nothing beneath you but air and grass and a long, long way down, and you’d still feel emptier than that canyon itself. Maybe you even danced with yourself alone in your room a few times, arms outstretched around a ghost, pretending someone else’s hands were on your waist, someone else’s eyes boring into yours.

Or maybe you fell temporarily in love with strangers on public transportation, fell in love with anybody who so much as accidentally brushed your hand on the way past. For you, falling in love with dozens of people a day was a coping mechanism for not having anyone to love you in return. But people are not eggs and falling in love with a dozen of them does not mean your shell will remain uncracked. One day you’re going to hit the point where you’re so desperate for human contact that you’re going to snap in half and all your love will bleed out like egg yolk.

But someone out there is eating a bowl of Ramen noodles right now, or putting on slippers, or settling into bed. They are doing all the normal things that you’ve done in your own life. They are just like you. They have cellulite and extra fat in all the wrong places and goals and fears and doubts and bad handwriting.

The truth is that they are just like you, and being just like you, they’re looking for a lover too. They’re what you might call a soulmate.

They think they’re all alone in feeling the way they do, but you’re really both two halves of a whole.

And one day you’ll meet them, bump into them on the street, and your two halves will be put together, and you’ll make one.”

My friend saw this post on tumblr and she thought THIS IS SO ME then she sent it to me. Yes because i've been single for 18 years and i feel so.... Weird. I feel so insecure.

In my experience, love sucks. Loving someone? Sucks. Ewh. I spent 7 years liking the same guy who never even aware at my existence. At that time, i believe in true love, and i believe that guy WILL look at me. Guess what? Nope. Stupid me. So now i dont care about that guy anymore, i tried to find someone better, trying to meet someone new, finding love guru, but still.... It didnt work out :( not that i still like that guy, but i just cant find someone new, someone that i really cared about, someone that makes my heart beating so fast, i just cant :( and then i realized that im okay without a boyfriend. Really im okay. I love school, i love my friends, i love my family, and most of all i have a lot of people who love me the way i am. I like myself, i like my hobbies, really im okay. I actually met someone online, he's nice, i like him, but he's not real. I cant like him more further if he doesnt show up, if he doesnt show his true self. So i just wanna say im sorry if he do like me unconditionally... I think he didnt know that i know everything, but i hope he realized, that i cant accept someone via internet. 

I think i should open my eyes, be wise, and open my heart for the REAL person around me who loves me the way i am, im so sorry if i hurt any of you, because i am dense and blind. 

University life, im coming. 

Someone.

I never wanted a woman that wanted
Me for my name or material things, see
I always hoped for a woman that's so sure
Emotionally secure with spiritual faith

A woman that I can trust with all of my secrets
And even listen to all of my issues
A woman who never judge me or how I was
She deals with me strictly through love

Someone who will put up with the things, loving me can bring
And still be there to see us through
Someone who would put up with the strange and complicated things
'Cause I would do the same for her too

Someone who I can be real with, ain't gotta be perfect
'Cause loving one another is all that matters
It's not hard to explain, so believe me when I say
That I found all of that in you

All that I hope for a friendship that's so pure
A girl I can talk to 'bout whatever's on my heart
A woman that needs me, that trust and believes me
That won't take my kindness as some kind of weakness

A woman who bares her soul, who's willing to let go
That wants me to lead her but knows how to take control
And when I am feeling down 'cause things are going wrong
She fills me up, make me feel strong

You are that someone who loves me through all my imperfections
You know my heart is filled with nothing but good intentions
You are the one that told me long as we got us, nothing matters
You are the one that sees the joy through the pain

You are my light through the rain, here and now
Girl I am saying, it's you, you're my heart, it's you
You're that someone I can truly say that I'll never find
Another love like you

♥

Smile, your enemy will love it!

Hello, im alive sebelum UN!

Just to let you know, im okay. Up and down, thats my life. Banyak orang yg mau ngejeblosin gue, ngejatuhin gue, hancurin hati gue, but i know gue bisa. Gue harus kuat. Because no one can live up your spirit in the time like this. Temen dan sahabat gue semuanya sibuk dan punya pencapaian masing2. Keluarga gue sedang tidak bisa diharapkan karena well, we all still in pressure.

Senyum. Gue selalu senyum dan act like nothing happen. Karenaa menurut gue gaada gunanya nyebar rada sedih lo ke orang lain, bahkan sahabat lo sendiri. Karena terkadang... Mereka hanya simpati. Bukan empati. Memberi tahu segala keluh kesah yang terjadi ke orang lain kadang no use karena itu gabisa ngobatin rasa sakit lo. Gue ngerasaa tiap hari sekolah, in fear bahwa orang ajan ngejauhin gue. Kayaknya gue punya phobia takut kehilangan siapapun. Istilahnya gue baper lah. Tapi gue tau kalo gue gaboleh bermuram durja karena masa depan nungguin gue disana.

I love people who understand me a lot. And sometimes, simple word like "bye gue duluan ya" bisa bikin gue melting. Gue baru sadar bahwa gue fell hard di personality orang. Bukan mukanya atau tingginya. I know ive shared my ideal type  (tinggi tampan tajir taqwa) but well... Gue merasa muna bgt kalo maksain itu. Gue bisa banget fell hard sama orang yang mengerti gue, mengerti sikap dan keanehan gue, mengerti hobi gue. Dan orang yang bisa ngambil hati gue, wow. You actually did it. Last time i fell in love itu horrible bgt dan gue sangat susah sekali move on. He was so so so cool, kind, and playing hard to get. Terakhirnya.... Berakhir buruk lah. No contact setelah 2 tahun ini. And i dont care. Terserah aja kalo emang gak takdir gausah ketemu. Dan gue sangat suka kebaikan seseorang. It was like "oh hi morning happy birthday to your mom!" "Gimanaa tryoutnyaa" "selamattt pamerannya sukses! Lukisan lo bagus bgt gue gak nyangka" "gue udah browsing film hantu terbaru". Sumpah, bikin gue senyum bgt digituin. Lo gausah aneh2 sok2 care dengan cara nanya gue udh makan apa belom, lagi dmn dll deh. Cukup "have fun nantiii" or "dasar looo" udh bikin gue mesem2. Susah loh punya temen kaya gitu. Or in my case, boy friend. Bukan that "boyfriend" but "boy friend". Saat2 ini gue seneng sama cowo2 classmate gue, abisan mereka tau aib gue tapi kayaknya they're okay with it ahahaha. Jadi takut gue kalo terlalu jujur begini.... 

Ah, bodo. Mau orang lain baca atau engga, gue happy dengan cara menuliskan emosi gue. Kemarin2, ada seseorang dari keluarga gue ngomong gini "kamu suka nulis? Atau blogging? Terusin. Ntar kamu bukuin semuanya. Jadikan itu hobi yang dikembangkan sehingga kamu mempertajam keahlian menulis kamu." Boleh banget. But she said that gue hrs blogging ttg hukum. Mentang2 gue suka bukan berarti gue bikin begituan teruuus wakaka. Tapi gue mengerti maksud dia. Kalo memang punya bakat ya harus dimanfaatkan. Blog gue ini udah dari 2008 dan ini udah berjalan 7 tahun. Gak nyangka ya udah ratusan post alay sampe galau lalu curcol begini. Time flies.

Sebentar lagi un. No comment. Hoping for the best. Gabisa ngapa2in lagi. Mau keterima dimana juga pasrah. Allah yang bisa bilang kunfayakun dan terjadilah. Nilai udah jadi dan matang, skrg gue serahkan seikhlas2nya kepada Allah. Sekarang gue harus fokus un dan berusaha sebaik2nya. Abis un... Parah. Gue teriak, histeris lari ke tengah lapangan kali ya. Banyak bgt yg gue mau lakuin abis un, contohnya lancarin nyetir lalu ambil sim, cat rambut coklat muda, fitness, nerusin pilates, diet sehat, ngurangin makanan sampis, nyari baju prom, liburan ke korea lagi, ke usa, dan masih banyak lagi. Bismillah yaAllah semoga semua harapan dan impian gue tercapai lalu rencana gue selalu diberikan keberkahan oleh Allah, amiiiin.

Udah jam 23.15. Gak terlalu malem siiih, but i have to take care my baby sister yang sedang asthma parah.

Lovely, nite.

Over there.

Me in 1 January until now, 8 March 2014.

Eat well, pray well, sleep well, study well. 

But no love. Didnt love anyone, didnt loved by someone. Not surrounded by people's love.

But im okay.

Deepened myself in Soulvibe's, Dygta's sweet tune and lovely but painful songs.

How sweet.

Welcoming UN 2014. Lets go. 

나이트 앤 대이.

"But im so lonely! I want to be with someone! I know im doing terrible things to you, making demands and not giving you anything in return, saying whatever pops into my head, but youre the only one i can do stuff like that to! I have never been able to have my own way with anybody, not once in twenty years ive been alive. Youre the only one i can say these things too." -Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood

Indeed. I truly wasted someone like that, desperated like that. Having no one to talk about your real feelings is not good. Making you want to throw up everytime you have something in your mind. 

People will hate you for reason. I cant understand why. Lately ive been thinking that feeling bad and angry about someone wouldnt make you feel relieved. World is big. And you cant expect all of people inside the earth would accept the way you really are. Thats life and thats final. 

Secret. Everyone has a secret that they really couldnt tell people about it. And lately, ive been feeling sick of being a liar, not really a liar but im lying about how i really feels. No one knows inside me, no one knows that behind my smile, theres so many pain pile up as high as mountain. It looks like that im always happy and have outgoing personality, joke a lot, and a bright person. But no, honestly im not. 

February. One of the worst month every year. Dont know why i have many traumatic incident right in this month. And i..... Ah. People that i cherish a lot born in this month. That could be a boomerang for me. It hurts me that i cant do anything about it. How i miss someone to that extent... Until i dreamt about that person everyday, and i always (coincidentally) checks the time and the numbers turns out to be that person's birthday. It happens everyday, lately.

Lately, im into Haruki Murakami's books. And his quotes. Its amazing. Its like he can read my mind throughoutly. One of his quotes that makes my gain my spirit again: "Life's a scary thing. More than you can ever imagine." It taughts me that life cant be as perfect like what you want. Life is scary, ups and downs, you didnt know what things could happen in the next 10 seconds. Even 1 seconds. God knows it and He controls it. We just have to pray and open up our hearts to god. Murakami once said: "It must be hard for you, but there is a right time for everything. When it is time to wait, you must wait". We have to wait. For the right things.

In the future, people will judge us. Anything we do could be wrong. We just have to be strong, and achieved what we want. Being lonely isnt always wrong. Theres a time that we have to face all of the things alone, thats why we have to be strong. Being mature. A mature person. 

Even if im feeling lonely, i am actually strong. I can control my feelings and my emotion. I just hope that people i love wouldnt leave me, hate me, and forgot me... And i want to be accepted the way i really am. Loving the real me. Accepting all my background eventho its not good at all. 

I just wanna say that im okay. Im sad, but im okay. Its better like this. I hope i can handle it all... I wish. Bismillah. Being optimistic about everything. The future is right up there, and we just have to catch it. 

I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning.

Bloody Valentine

Morning. 

Kemarin adalah tanggal 14 Februari 2014, and we know its Valentine's Day. I actually never celebrated that day (maybe because i had no one to celebrate it?). But yesterday, was a gloomy day for me. Actually since January, im not who i am. There's something going on but i just cant wrote it here. Mungkin 2013 juga dimulai dengan gak begitu baik, well now here it is. 2014 lebih buruk. Im tired of my fake smile everyday, nyatanya gue pulang kerumah cuma buat meratapi hidup dan nangis. Sekolah berat banget, ngejar cita2 dll bikin gue depresi, but i know gue  harus berusaha sebisa mungkin, semaksimal mungkin. Gue ga paham kenapa gue feel so painful this morning. I actually have no one yang bisa mau nanggepin semua kesampahan gue, giliran nemu, he's fake and i know it. He's not really he is. Dia bukan dia. Tapi saking sepi dan sedih gue, i need someone who can cheer me up. And he does, he can. I know our chats all this time had no meaning and we treated each other as a friend, really. Gue gapernah berharap lebih karena jujur aja gue gatau siapa dia. He's someone whom i met online via social media. Kasarnya, dia cuma simsimi. Gue nanya, dia jawab, gue ngomong, dia nanggepin. Itu aja. Tapi omongan kita klop. Sejalan. Sama. Nyambung. I cant help it but admiting kalo i like someone yang nyambung sama gue, siapapun dia, dimanapun dia.

But last night that Simsimi decided to not contact me anymore. Im shocked. I just felt so lefted out. Apa yang gue lakuin sampe gue harus diginiin terus. Gue tau gue bukan siapa2 and heck gue gaada perfect2nya. Gue menerima alasan dia, dan gue harus ngakuin kalo i loved to chat with him. Kalo engga i will regretted it later.

Ya gue sih gapapa ya.... Because that Simsimi is a fake person yang entah cewe/cowo aslinya tinggal dimana sekolah dimana... Tapi gue seneng chat sama dia. At least bisa nemenin dan ngehibur gue... Gue tau ini kedengeran forever alone and lonely banget. But honestly aja sih, gue lonely. Sangat. Gue sangat butuh support dari siapapun yang ada di dunia ini. And that Simsimi makes me smile.

I never thought that my life would be like this. Tau gak sih rasanya bangun dari tidur terus lo bingung, belum konek lah istilahnya. Nah rasa kaya gitu gue rasain tiap hari. "Who i am" jadi pertanyaan gue setiap hari. Apa hidup gue harus gini2 amat? Mungkin nilai gue di sekolah bagus, gue gapernah berantem dan berurusan sama orang lain, gue punya sahabat yang accept who i am, but why gue ngerasa sepi...? Seakan2 gaada yg bisa ngobatin sakit hati gue... I dont know. Its not all about lovey dovey things.... Its about everything. Gue hanya pengen pergi dari negara ini dan memulai semua dari awal, kasi gue kesempatan buat lebih happy.

Gue jujur aja, capek dibebanin. Gue pengen kaya cewe2 lain yang seneng2 tiap hari, jalan dan makan cantik sama temen2nya, shopping seenak jidat, pulang ke rumah ketemu ortu yang gak recet dan yang selalu ada. Gue gapernah ngerasain itu semua....lagi. 

Gue cuma punya satu harapan.

When i woke up, i would be in someone elses body.

But i know i cant.

"It was as if I were writing letters to hold together the pieces of my crumbling life." - Haruki Murakami