-almost- Two Decades

“All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3 AM conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight than talk. You have never worn a lover’s sweater or “forgotten” it at home in your bedroom just so you would have an excuse to see them again. You have never even stood face-to-face with someone who makes your hands shake so hard it feels like they’re both having a separate anxiety attack.

This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity. Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth?

The answer is no. The better answer is that someone out there, somewhere in the world, is “wondering what it’s like to meet someone like you,” and they have two decades worth of love stored in their veins like a shoot-‘em-up drug, and they’re just about ready to inject it into someone else’s bloodstream. All you have to do is roll up your sleeves and wait for it to happen.

At times you felt so lonely you could stand at the edge of a cliff with nothing beneath you but air and grass and a long, long way down, and you’d still feel emptier than that canyon itself. Maybe you even danced with yourself alone in your room a few times, arms outstretched around a ghost, pretending someone else’s hands were on your waist, someone else’s eyes boring into yours.

Or maybe you fell temporarily in love with strangers on public transportation, fell in love with anybody who so much as accidentally brushed your hand on the way past. For you, falling in love with dozens of people a day was a coping mechanism for not having anyone to love you in return. But people are not eggs and falling in love with a dozen of them does not mean your shell will remain uncracked. One day you’re going to hit the point where you’re so desperate for human contact that you’re going to snap in half and all your love will bleed out like egg yolk.

But someone out there is eating a bowl of Ramen noodles right now, or putting on slippers, or settling into bed. They are doing all the normal things that you’ve done in your own life. They are just like you. They have cellulite and extra fat in all the wrong places and goals and fears and doubts and bad handwriting.

The truth is that they are just like you, and being just like you, they’re looking for a lover too. They’re what you might call a soulmate.

They think they’re all alone in feeling the way they do, but you’re really both two halves of a whole.

And one day you’ll meet them, bump into them on the street, and your two halves will be put together, and you’ll make one.”

My friend saw this post on tumblr and she thought THIS IS SO ME then she sent it to me. Yes because i've been single for 18 years and i feel so.... Weird. I feel so insecure.

In my experience, love sucks. Loving someone? Sucks. Ewh. I spent 7 years liking the same guy who never even aware at my existence. At that time, i believe in true love, and i believe that guy WILL look at me. Guess what? Nope. Stupid me. So now i dont care about that guy anymore, i tried to find someone better, trying to meet someone new, finding love guru, but still.... It didnt work out :( not that i still like that guy, but i just cant find someone new, someone that i really cared about, someone that makes my heart beating so fast, i just cant :( and then i realized that im okay without a boyfriend. Really im okay. I love school, i love my friends, i love my family, and most of all i have a lot of people who love me the way i am. I like myself, i like my hobbies, really im okay. I actually met someone online, he's nice, i like him, but he's not real. I cant like him more further if he doesnt show up, if he doesnt show his true self. So i just wanna say im sorry if he do like me unconditionally... I think he didnt know that i know everything, but i hope he realized, that i cant accept someone via internet. 

I think i should open my eyes, be wise, and open my heart for the REAL person around me who loves me the way i am, im so sorry if i hurt any of you, because i am dense and blind. 

University life, im coming. 

Someone.

I never wanted a woman that wanted
Me for my name or material things, see
I always hoped for a woman that's so sure
Emotionally secure with spiritual faith

A woman that I can trust with all of my secrets
And even listen to all of my issues
A woman who never judge me or how I was
She deals with me strictly through love

Someone who will put up with the things, loving me can bring
And still be there to see us through
Someone who would put up with the strange and complicated things
'Cause I would do the same for her too

Someone who I can be real with, ain't gotta be perfect
'Cause loving one another is all that matters
It's not hard to explain, so believe me when I say
That I found all of that in you

All that I hope for a friendship that's so pure
A girl I can talk to 'bout whatever's on my heart
A woman that needs me, that trust and believes me
That won't take my kindness as some kind of weakness

A woman who bares her soul, who's willing to let go
That wants me to lead her but knows how to take control
And when I am feeling down 'cause things are going wrong
She fills me up, make me feel strong

You are that someone who loves me through all my imperfections
You know my heart is filled with nothing but good intentions
You are the one that told me long as we got us, nothing matters
You are the one that sees the joy through the pain

You are my light through the rain, here and now
Girl I am saying, it's you, you're my heart, it's you
You're that someone I can truly say that I'll never find
Another love like you

♥

Smile, your enemy will love it!

Hello, im alive sebelum UN!

Just to let you know, im okay. Up and down, thats my life. Banyak orang yg mau ngejeblosin gue, ngejatuhin gue, hancurin hati gue, but i know gue bisa. Gue harus kuat. Because no one can live up your spirit in the time like this. Temen dan sahabat gue semuanya sibuk dan punya pencapaian masing2. Keluarga gue sedang tidak bisa diharapkan karena well, we all still in pressure.

Senyum. Gue selalu senyum dan act like nothing happen. Karenaa menurut gue gaada gunanya nyebar rada sedih lo ke orang lain, bahkan sahabat lo sendiri. Karena terkadang... Mereka hanya simpati. Bukan empati. Memberi tahu segala keluh kesah yang terjadi ke orang lain kadang no use karena itu gabisa ngobatin rasa sakit lo. Gue ngerasaa tiap hari sekolah, in fear bahwa orang ajan ngejauhin gue. Kayaknya gue punya phobia takut kehilangan siapapun. Istilahnya gue baper lah. Tapi gue tau kalo gue gaboleh bermuram durja karena masa depan nungguin gue disana.

I love people who understand me a lot. And sometimes, simple word like "bye gue duluan ya" bisa bikin gue melting. Gue baru sadar bahwa gue fell hard di personality orang. Bukan mukanya atau tingginya. I know ive shared my ideal type  (tinggi tampan tajir taqwa) but well... Gue merasa muna bgt kalo maksain itu. Gue bisa banget fell hard sama orang yang mengerti gue, mengerti sikap dan keanehan gue, mengerti hobi gue. Dan orang yang bisa ngambil hati gue, wow. You actually did it. Last time i fell in love itu horrible bgt dan gue sangat susah sekali move on. He was so so so cool, kind, and playing hard to get. Terakhirnya.... Berakhir buruk lah. No contact setelah 2 tahun ini. And i dont care. Terserah aja kalo emang gak takdir gausah ketemu. Dan gue sangat suka kebaikan seseorang. It was like "oh hi morning happy birthday to your mom!" "Gimanaa tryoutnyaa" "selamattt pamerannya sukses! Lukisan lo bagus bgt gue gak nyangka" "gue udah browsing film hantu terbaru". Sumpah, bikin gue senyum bgt digituin. Lo gausah aneh2 sok2 care dengan cara nanya gue udh makan apa belom, lagi dmn dll deh. Cukup "have fun nantiii" or "dasar looo" udh bikin gue mesem2. Susah loh punya temen kaya gitu. Or in my case, boy friend. Bukan that "boyfriend" but "boy friend". Saat2 ini gue seneng sama cowo2 classmate gue, abisan mereka tau aib gue tapi kayaknya they're okay with it ahahaha. Jadi takut gue kalo terlalu jujur begini.... 

Ah, bodo. Mau orang lain baca atau engga, gue happy dengan cara menuliskan emosi gue. Kemarin2, ada seseorang dari keluarga gue ngomong gini "kamu suka nulis? Atau blogging? Terusin. Ntar kamu bukuin semuanya. Jadikan itu hobi yang dikembangkan sehingga kamu mempertajam keahlian menulis kamu." Boleh banget. But she said that gue hrs blogging ttg hukum. Mentang2 gue suka bukan berarti gue bikin begituan teruuus wakaka. Tapi gue mengerti maksud dia. Kalo memang punya bakat ya harus dimanfaatkan. Blog gue ini udah dari 2008 dan ini udah berjalan 7 tahun. Gak nyangka ya udah ratusan post alay sampe galau lalu curcol begini. Time flies.

Sebentar lagi un. No comment. Hoping for the best. Gabisa ngapa2in lagi. Mau keterima dimana juga pasrah. Allah yang bisa bilang kunfayakun dan terjadilah. Nilai udah jadi dan matang, skrg gue serahkan seikhlas2nya kepada Allah. Sekarang gue harus fokus un dan berusaha sebaik2nya. Abis un... Parah. Gue teriak, histeris lari ke tengah lapangan kali ya. Banyak bgt yg gue mau lakuin abis un, contohnya lancarin nyetir lalu ambil sim, cat rambut coklat muda, fitness, nerusin pilates, diet sehat, ngurangin makanan sampis, nyari baju prom, liburan ke korea lagi, ke usa, dan masih banyak lagi. Bismillah yaAllah semoga semua harapan dan impian gue tercapai lalu rencana gue selalu diberikan keberkahan oleh Allah, amiiiin.

Udah jam 23.15. Gak terlalu malem siiih, but i have to take care my baby sister yang sedang asthma parah.

Lovely, nite.

Over there.

Me in 1 January until now, 8 March 2014.

Eat well, pray well, sleep well, study well. 

But no love. Didnt love anyone, didnt loved by someone. Not surrounded by people's love.

But im okay.

Deepened myself in Soulvibe's, Dygta's sweet tune and lovely but painful songs.

How sweet.

Welcoming UN 2014. Lets go. 

나이트 앤 대이.

"But im so lonely! I want to be with someone! I know im doing terrible things to you, making demands and not giving you anything in return, saying whatever pops into my head, but youre the only one i can do stuff like that to! I have never been able to have my own way with anybody, not once in twenty years ive been alive. Youre the only one i can say these things too." -Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood

Indeed. I truly wasted someone like that, desperated like that. Having no one to talk about your real feelings is not good. Making you want to throw up everytime you have something in your mind. 

People will hate you for reason. I cant understand why. Lately ive been thinking that feeling bad and angry about someone wouldnt make you feel relieved. World is big. And you cant expect all of people inside the earth would accept the way you really are. Thats life and thats final. 

Secret. Everyone has a secret that they really couldnt tell people about it. And lately, ive been feeling sick of being a liar, not really a liar but im lying about how i really feels. No one knows inside me, no one knows that behind my smile, theres so many pain pile up as high as mountain. It looks like that im always happy and have outgoing personality, joke a lot, and a bright person. But no, honestly im not. 

February. One of the worst month every year. Dont know why i have many traumatic incident right in this month. And i..... Ah. People that i cherish a lot born in this month. That could be a boomerang for me. It hurts me that i cant do anything about it. How i miss someone to that extent... Until i dreamt about that person everyday, and i always (coincidentally) checks the time and the numbers turns out to be that person's birthday. It happens everyday, lately.

Lately, im into Haruki Murakami's books. And his quotes. Its amazing. Its like he can read my mind throughoutly. One of his quotes that makes my gain my spirit again: "Life's a scary thing. More than you can ever imagine." It taughts me that life cant be as perfect like what you want. Life is scary, ups and downs, you didnt know what things could happen in the next 10 seconds. Even 1 seconds. God knows it and He controls it. We just have to pray and open up our hearts to god. Murakami once said: "It must be hard for you, but there is a right time for everything. When it is time to wait, you must wait". We have to wait. For the right things.

In the future, people will judge us. Anything we do could be wrong. We just have to be strong, and achieved what we want. Being lonely isnt always wrong. Theres a time that we have to face all of the things alone, thats why we have to be strong. Being mature. A mature person. 

Even if im feeling lonely, i am actually strong. I can control my feelings and my emotion. I just hope that people i love wouldnt leave me, hate me, and forgot me... And i want to be accepted the way i really am. Loving the real me. Accepting all my background eventho its not good at all. 

I just wanna say that im okay. Im sad, but im okay. Its better like this. I hope i can handle it all... I wish. Bismillah. Being optimistic about everything. The future is right up there, and we just have to catch it. 

I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning.

Bloody Valentine

Morning. 

Kemarin adalah tanggal 14 Februari 2014, and we know its Valentine's Day. I actually never celebrated that day (maybe because i had no one to celebrate it?). But yesterday, was a gloomy day for me. Actually since January, im not who i am. There's something going on but i just cant wrote it here. Mungkin 2013 juga dimulai dengan gak begitu baik, well now here it is. 2014 lebih buruk. Im tired of my fake smile everyday, nyatanya gue pulang kerumah cuma buat meratapi hidup dan nangis. Sekolah berat banget, ngejar cita2 dll bikin gue depresi, but i know gue  harus berusaha sebisa mungkin, semaksimal mungkin. Gue ga paham kenapa gue feel so painful this morning. I actually have no one yang bisa mau nanggepin semua kesampahan gue, giliran nemu, he's fake and i know it. He's not really he is. Dia bukan dia. Tapi saking sepi dan sedih gue, i need someone who can cheer me up. And he does, he can. I know our chats all this time had no meaning and we treated each other as a friend, really. Gue gapernah berharap lebih karena jujur aja gue gatau siapa dia. He's someone whom i met online via social media. Kasarnya, dia cuma simsimi. Gue nanya, dia jawab, gue ngomong, dia nanggepin. Itu aja. Tapi omongan kita klop. Sejalan. Sama. Nyambung. I cant help it but admiting kalo i like someone yang nyambung sama gue, siapapun dia, dimanapun dia.

But last night that Simsimi decided to not contact me anymore. Im shocked. I just felt so lefted out. Apa yang gue lakuin sampe gue harus diginiin terus. Gue tau gue bukan siapa2 and heck gue gaada perfect2nya. Gue menerima alasan dia, dan gue harus ngakuin kalo i loved to chat with him. Kalo engga i will regretted it later.

Ya gue sih gapapa ya.... Because that Simsimi is a fake person yang entah cewe/cowo aslinya tinggal dimana sekolah dimana... Tapi gue seneng chat sama dia. At least bisa nemenin dan ngehibur gue... Gue tau ini kedengeran forever alone and lonely banget. But honestly aja sih, gue lonely. Sangat. Gue sangat butuh support dari siapapun yang ada di dunia ini. And that Simsimi makes me smile.

I never thought that my life would be like this. Tau gak sih rasanya bangun dari tidur terus lo bingung, belum konek lah istilahnya. Nah rasa kaya gitu gue rasain tiap hari. "Who i am" jadi pertanyaan gue setiap hari. Apa hidup gue harus gini2 amat? Mungkin nilai gue di sekolah bagus, gue gapernah berantem dan berurusan sama orang lain, gue punya sahabat yang accept who i am, but why gue ngerasa sepi...? Seakan2 gaada yg bisa ngobatin sakit hati gue... I dont know. Its not all about lovey dovey things.... Its about everything. Gue hanya pengen pergi dari negara ini dan memulai semua dari awal, kasi gue kesempatan buat lebih happy.

Gue jujur aja, capek dibebanin. Gue pengen kaya cewe2 lain yang seneng2 tiap hari, jalan dan makan cantik sama temen2nya, shopping seenak jidat, pulang ke rumah ketemu ortu yang gak recet dan yang selalu ada. Gue gapernah ngerasain itu semua....lagi. 

Gue cuma punya satu harapan.

When i woke up, i would be in someone elses body.

But i know i cant.

"It was as if I were writing letters to hold together the pieces of my crumbling life." - Haruki Murakami

Selamat Malam

Malam. Sekarang pukul 23.14 dan gue belum tidur. Why? Karena memang gak mood tidur hehehe.

its been awhile gak buka blog. Sejujurnya dr kmrn2 gue udh gasabar bgt cerita di blog dan well ada circumstances blablabla ngantuk blabla makanya gabisa blogging. padahal cerita udah numpuk daaan gatau mau mencurahkan ini kaya gmn lg #ea.

im.....fine. happy, indeed. bahagia? iya. gue baru aja melakukan aktivitas yang bukan untuk gue banget. yang bukan gue banget yang ansos dan mager. gue baru aja ikut lomba modelling fashion dance gitu. pertama, gue diajak temen gue. dari situ gue mikir ke belakang. gue selama sma gapernah ikut kegiatan apa2. gue gaboleh nongkrong. gue gaboleh jalan malem. gue gak ekskul apa2 selain les lukis. kalo gt gimana nyalurin kebolehan gue? apa gue tau passion yang gue miliki apa? no. thats why. gue harus mencoba ikut dan aktif dalam suatu kegiatan yang bakal memaksakan diri gue untuk work hard diligently demi mencapai sesuatu. demi mencapai prestasi. dan kebetulan juga gue baru baca komik Angel Lip yang tentang cewe gak pede, bisa jadi model internasional karena ada lipstick ajaib. lol bgt kan? tapi bedanya di kehidupan gue gaada tuh yang namanya magic dan Hiro trs Ryou. wakakakakak. nah malem itu campur aduk banget. gue meyakinkan diri gue bahwa gue gaboleh takut. jangan bilang diri gue gabisa. jangan bilang diri gue gamampu. dan dengan keyakinan itu... gue bilang Ya.

soal passion. udah umum dan diketahui teman2 dekat gue bahwa minat gue di politik. keinginan gue adalah membenahi negara ini dengan jabatan tinggi yang suatu saat akan gue pegang. im serious about this. cita2 gue udah yakin dan insyallah akan tercapai, amiiinn. nah tapi.... ada suatu hal yang menurut orang sekitar gue, cocok buat jadi profesi gue. yaitu menjadi model. karenaa gue tinggi dan kurus well they said i could be one. tapi modelling adalah profesi yang juga berat dan gak mudah digeluti juga butuh usaha yang besar juga. banyak yg cerita ke gue kalo sebenernya dunia modelling itu keras banget. well they fight each other to get a job, some kind like that. gue pribadi, gaada tertarik2nya untuk jadi model. sumpah. gue gaakan mau diet or fitness buat maintain badan, gue gamau waste my time buat audisi2. gue ini anak yang super males gerak. nah tapi lama2 gue mikir... apa gue sebenernya tertarik tapi membohongi diri sendiri? apa sebenernya gue bisa? pemikiran ini lah yang mendukung gue ikut lomba tersebut.

latihannya... gue bisa pelan2. mencerna semua gerakan. gue meyakinkan diri gue bahwa tekanan untuk sempurna itu akan menghasilkan hal yang baik. it would be worth it in the end.

jujur, gue orang yang percaya diri. gue mampu mengungkapkan isi hati ke gue ke orang yang gue percaya dan nyaman kalo dicurhatin. gue berani tampil dan berbicara di depan publik. tapi kali ini gue gak bicara. gue jalan. gue nari. beda dari seluruh ekspektasi. penonton dan suporter banyak. if i failed gue bakal mengecewakan banyak orang. waktu mau perform, gila, definisi ketakutan dan gue berteriak dalem kepala gue just let me die or please let me go away from here to another planet. akhirnya gue perform. ternyata.... this is the moment. gue merasa nyaman dipanggung meskipun nervous. wow. i can actually do this kind of thing. meskipun sedikit slip karena heels gue stuck di panggung yg agak geradakan, gue puas sama penampilan gue. orang2 mungkin mikir ih diandra apa banget sih, atau sebel sama gue atau merasa gue selalu kurang, artinya mereka gak paham. kalian gak paham kalo ini performance pertama gue dan jangan berani kalian ngeremehin orang yang masih berusaha untuk nampilin yang terbaik. i work hard diligently. i tried. gue bener2 bisa berdiri tegap di panggung atas dukungan teman2 yang percaya sama gue kalo gue bisa dan gue berani. dukungan dari orang2 yang sayang sama gue. bisa bikin gue pede.

akhirnya kita menang. posisi tertinggi. puncaknya. bangga? ya. proud of myself. proud of my friends. all feeling burst out. gue bahagia jujur sampe titik terdalam di hati gue. usaha gue gak sia2. kata2 "it would be worth it in the end" bener2 terjadi. capek2 latihan terbayarkan sudah. siapa sangka seorang kaya gue tertarik ikut ginian? gue puas, ya. nah kembali ke tujuan gue ikut lomba ini... gue senang, ya. tapi ternyata gue tertarik untuk merasakan lagi spot jantung dan kesibukan kaya gini untuk kedua kalinya. gak semua orang bisa berani standing di panggung. intinya, kalo ada kesempatan lagi... i would love to participate again. but gak sebagai profesi. just for fun aja :)

nah sekarang udah jam 00.27. gue masi duduk di meja belajar sambil ngetik. gue capek, tapi pengen dan mood bgt buat cerita di blog. tp skrg udh capek kayaknya wakakaka yaudah deh. insyallah bsk cerita lagi panjang lebar.


by the way...


i just want to say that i miss you and you're forever. apapun yang terjadi di masa depan, im still here for you if you realized that im still exist. no one knows my real feelings towards you. kali ini gue bakal coba ngebuka diri gue buat orang selain lo. yang terjadi sekarang ya terjadi aja. gue gak mau berharap apa2 lagi. di masa depan, berapapun tahun lagi, gue cuma berharap kita bakal papasan dan masih saling inget.



:)